Joke of the day

[wavemaker]

4 types of orgasm
1 spiritual. oh god, oh god, oh god.
2 positive. oh yes, yes,yes, yes.
3 negative. oh no, no, no, no.
4 fake. oh [insert your name here] [your name again] [and again]

[AndyP]

I'm just cleaning out my work email inbox. This one is from August last year, but some are still appropriate.

----------

In all the publicity surrounding Jack Elliotts book launch, many other
books by well-known AFL personalities have gone unnoticed. Many sporting
personalities have released books to teach others about their greatest area
of expertise, to share their talents with the community. This books
include:

"Dummy Spits for Dummies" by Matthew Richardson
"Anger Management therapy for boneheads" by Barry Hall
"How to master Method Acting" by Matthew Lloyd
"The good food guide to melbourne" by Lance Whitnall
"Hairstyles for the successful executive" by Fraser Gehrig
"Easy Money - How to make $5,000,000 without really trying" by Anthony
Koutoufides

"The Art of Plugging Sponsors" by Eddie McGuire
"Kicking With Both Feet" by Anthony Koutoufides and Ang Christou
"Kicking With Your Right Foot" by Greg Tivendale, Aaron Fiora, Mrk Chaffey
and Joel Bowden (foreword by Matthew Knights)
"Dealing Calmly and Rationally with Defeat" by Dean Laidley
"Snows up! A Travel Guide for the Winter Months" by the Melbourne Football
Club

"101 New Hair Styles for Winter" by Hawthorn Football Club
"Stamping Out Mediocrity (but only in other people)" by Grant Thomas
"Executive Recruitment - Follow The Process" by Rod Butterss and Brian
Waldron
"High Expectations: how to deal with the burden created by a little
overachieving" by Mark Mercuri and Shane Woewoedin
"How to Spice Up Your Press Conferences" by Garry Ayres
"Dealing with Shyness" by Jason Akermanis
"The Fire Extinguisher Safety Handbook" by Mathew Lappin and Brendon Fevola

There are also some biographical works:

"Kick it to me, dammit: why everything's my midfields fault." by Matty
Richardson
"A long and heavy load: how I carried seventeen men for over a decade" by
Nathan Buckley
"Love only in the dark" by Mick Martyn and Anthony Rocca
"Nice guys do finish last" by Bomber Thompson
"Forlorn hope - A season at the Carlton of the new millennium" - by Dennis
Pagan
"Success through failure - a tale of high draft picks" by the St Kilda
Football Club
"Mein Kampf" by Eddie McGuire
"Angel Wings" by James Hird
"Lucky Break: how the AFL saved me from a fate worse than death" by Brendan
Goddard
"Life in the crosshairs: what it's like to coach the tigers" by Spud
Frawley

[AndyP]

The reason I stopped playing golf; my caddie let me down - look at his
comments!!

#10 Golfer: I think I'm going to drown myself in the lake.
Caddie: Think you can keep your head down that long?

#9 Golfer: I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course.
Caddie: Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth.

#8 Golfer: Do you think my game is improving?
Caddie: Yes, sir, you miss the ball much closer now.

#7: Golfer: Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?
Caddie: Eventually

#6 Golfer: You've got to be the worst caddy in the world.
Caddie: I don't think so sir. That would be too much of a coincidence.

#5 Golfer: Please stop checking your watch all the time. It's too much
of a distraction.
Caddie: It's not a watch - it's a compass.

#4 Golfer: How do you like my game?
Caddie: Very good sir, but personally. I prefer golf.

#3 Golfer: Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday
Caddie: The way you play, sir, it's a sin on any day.

#2 Golfer: This is the worst course I've ever played on.
Caddie: This isn't the golf course. We left that an hour ago.
#2A Golfer: The 18th is a really hard hole.
Caddie: Yes sir, especially from number 10 tee.

#1 Golfer: That can't be my ball, its too old.
Caddie: It's been a long time since we teed off, sir.

[AndyP]

These are entries to a Washington Post competition asking for a rhyme
with the most romantic first line but ... the least romantic second line:

Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss
But I only slept with you, because I was pissed.

I thought that I could love no other
Until, that is, I met your brother.

Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head.

Of loving beauty you float with grace
If only you could hide your face

Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
This describes everything you are not

I want to feel your sweet embrace
But don't take that paper bag off of your face

I love your smile, your face, and your eyes-
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!

My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you screwed up my life

I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming

My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way

My feelings for you no words can tell,
Except for maybe "go to hell"

What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime

[AndyP]

A woman hears her husband cussing up a storm from behind the bathroom door.

She knocks and says, "Honey, what is it?"

Her husband emerges from the bathroom and says, "The doctor prescribed suppositories for this stomach problem I've been having, and no matter what I do, I just can't get the little sucker up my butt. Even the doctor had to shove the first one in to show me how it was done and I tell you, it took forever for him to get it up there...  and it *hurt*!"

"Poor baby," says the wife.  "You were probably nervous and tense, and he probably wasn't very gentle with you.  Here, let me give you the
suppository - I don't mind. "

Still grumbling, the husband bends over.  His wife puts her left hand on
his left shoulder to brace him, and, with her right hand quickly and easily
slips the pill up her husband's rear end.  The husband suddenly lets out a
bloodcurdling scream.  "My God!" says the wife.  "What happened? Did I hurt you?"

"No!" cries the man.  "But I just realized that when the doctor did it, he
had BOTH hands on my shoulders!"

:lol:

[AndyP]

I now present to you the joke (amended) that I believe was removed from the "other" site.

A SCROTUM - 2 BALLS NEXT TO EACH OTHER ON THE FAIRWAY
An ADOLF HITLER - 2 SHOTS IN THE BUNKER
A BRONWYN BISHOP - A LONG WAY RIGHT AND UGLY
A CARMEN LAWRENCE - LONG WAY LEFT AND UGLY
A CONDOM SHOT - IT DOESN`T FEEL GOOD OR LOOK GOOD BUT IT`S SAFE
A REX HUNT - YOU HOOK IT AND KISS IT GOODBYE
A JESUS CHRIST NINE - YOU COME BACK FROM THE DEAD
A Insert Ugly Person's Name Here - THE BALL RUNS A LONG WAY BUT IT LOOKS UGLY
A Insert Ugly Person's Name Here SISTER - THE BALL DOESN`T RUN A LONG WAY AND STILL LOOKS UGLY
A MICK MALTHOUSE - YOU CRY AFTER LOSING
AN EDDIE MCGUIRE' S - YOU' RE ALWAYS IN THE MIDDLE AND GIVING EVERYONE THE SHITS
AN O.J.SIMPSON - YOU GET AWAY WITH MURDER TWICE ON THE SAME HOLE
A BRITTANY SPEARS BOYFRIEND - YOU CAN`T GET A SHOT AT THE HOLE

[Golfgirl]

If I've played most of these shots, what does that say about my golf??? :lol: :lol: :lol:

[markTHEblake]

I now present to you the joke (amended) that I believe was removed from the "other" site.



I cant beleive that was deleted, where is the racism discrimination in that.
I didnt hear Bronwyn complaining?

[Fishman Dan]

I now present to you the joke (amended) that I believe was removed from the "other" site.



I cant beleive that was deleted, where is the racism discrimination in that.
I didnt hear Bronwyn complaining?

I get quite offended hearing/reading BB's name. Can we change it to an 'Amanda Vanstone'?

I think someone was a little touchy on the day :roll:

[AndyP]

It's insulting, but it is not a racist comment.

[mike]

A Insert Ugly Person's Name Here - THE BALL RUNS A LONG WAY BUT IT LOOKS UGLY
A Insert Ugly Person's Name Here SISTER - THE BALL DOESN`T RUN A LONG WAY AND STILL LOOKS UGLY


Hehe, oh now I get it.

[Trung]

A teacher asked her class, "What do you want out of life"?

A little girl in the back raised her hand and said, "All I want out of life is four animals."

The teacher asked "Really? And what four animals would that be"?

The little girl replied, "A mink on my back, a jaguar in the garage, a tiger in bed and a jackass to pay for all of it."

The teacher fainted.

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

[markTHEblake]

4 types of orgasm

here are some more types;
http://www.ratedtoons.com/flash/Interorgasm.cfm

[Flowergirl]

It's "Let's pick on men instead of blondes" time


What do you call a handcuffed man?
Trustworthy.


What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling
your name?
You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.


Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven?
Because if they all went, it would be Hell.


Why do men like smart women?
Opposites attract.


How are husbands like lawn mowers?
They're hard to get started, they emit noxious odors, and half the time they
don't work.


How do men define a "50/50" relationship?
We cook-they eat; we clean-they dirty; we iron-they wrinkle.


How do men exercise on the beach?
By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.


How do you get a man to stop biting his nails?
Make him wear shoes.


How does a man show he's planning for the future?
He buys two cases of beer instead of one.


How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
ONE .........He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve
around him.


What did God say after creating man?
I can do so much better.


What's a man's idea of honesty in a relationship?
Telling you his real name.


What's the best way to force a man to do sit ups?
Put the remote control between his toes.


What's the smartest thing a man can say?
"My wife says..."


Why are all dumb blonde jokes one liners?
So men can understand them.


Why did God create man before woman?
Because you're always supposed to have a rough draft before creating your
masterpiece.


Why do female black widow spiders kill the males after mating?
To stop the snoring before it starts.


Why do men need instant replay on TV sports?
Because after 30 seconds they forget what happened.


Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
Because not one will stop and ask for directions.


Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for men than for women?
When it's time to go back to his childhood, he's already there.
---


AHHHHHHHHH these are so true!!! HA HA :lol: :lol:

[Courty]

I'm offended... :cry: :wink:

[Flowergirl]

I'm offended... :cry: :wink:

Truth hurts eh Courty??

First one should have read -
What do you call a man in handcuffs??
Delicious!!! :smt049

[markTHEblake]

Men and women.
Showering habits.

Showering Habits - How to shower like a woman
1. Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.
2. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
3. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups.
4. Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, and long loofah, wide loofah, and pumice stone.
5. Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.
6. Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.
7. Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced with natural avocado oil. Leave on hair for 15 minutes.
8. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until it’s red.
9. Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.
10. Rinse conditioner off hair.
11. Shave armpits and legs.
12. Turn off shower.
13. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex.
14. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small country. Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.
15. Check entire body for zits, tweeze hairs.
16. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.
17. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

How to shower like a man
1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.
2. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see wife along the way, shake willy at her making the 'woo-woo' sound.
3. Look at your manly physique in the mirror. Admire your willy and scratch your arse.
4. Get in the shower.
5. Wash your armpits.
6. Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.
7. Make fart noises (real or artificial) and laugh at how loud they sound in the shower.
8. Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding areas.
9. Wash your arse, leaving hairs stuck on the soap.
10. Shampoo your hair.
11. Make a shampoo Mohawk.
12. Piss.
13. Rinse off and get out of shower.
14. Partially dry off. Fail to notice water on floor because curtain hanging out of the tub the whole time.
15. Admire willy again.
16. Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.
17. Return to bedroom with towel around your waist. If you pass wife pull off towel, shake willy at her and make the 'woo-woo' sound again.
18. Throw wet towel on bed.

[McMw]

The Ambassador of a small African nation chanced to visit Russia, and was
entertained by his opposite number, the Russian Ambassador. For three
days, the African Ambassador was wined, dined, and generally treated to
the best hospitality that Russia had to offer. On the final day of his
visit, the Russian ambassador said, 'As your stay is coming to an end, it
is time for you to play our traditional game, Russian roulette. One of
the six chambers of this gun is loaded - you spin the cylinder, point the gun
at your head, and pull the trigger.' This phased the African slightly, but
he was a proud man of a warrior people, and to show fear would be
unthinkable. Both men took their guns, spun, and pulled the triggers.

click click

Both chambers were empty, and both ambassadors breathed a sigh of relief.
The African ambassador was much impressed with the courageous game, and
thought hard about the subject before the Russian Ambassador was due to
visit his country the next year.

When the visit came, the African ambassador treated the Russian with all
hospitality, until the final day of his stay. Leading him to a private
room in the palace, the African ambassador spoke, 'Now it is time for you
to sample our game, African roulette.' So saying, he led the Russian into
the room, the only occupants of which were six beautiful, naked women.
The African ambassador said, 'These women are the most beautiful members
of each of our tribes. Any one of them will give you oral sex - take your
pick'. The Russian was not entirely averse to this idea, but he couldn't
see the connection with Russian Roulette. He said 'Well, ok, great, but
where's the roulette part? Where's the danger?' With a big grin on his
face, the African ambassador answered, 'One of them is a cannibal'

[Flowergirl]

oh Markethe blake
That is the FUNNIEST THING i have ever read..............you are a bloody legend. The tears are rolling down my cheeks. LOVE IT :lol: :lol: :lol:

[markTHEblake]

Thats only because its True!

yet both sexes feel comfortable with the portrayal of of themselves.

Ok guys, hands up who does the Woo Woo thing?
(mines accompanied with the Whoosh Whoosh sound)

[AndyP]

FG, did you have to put all of those nasty men jokes in the one post. :(

[Golfgirl]

Thats only because its True!

yet both sexes feel comfortable with the portrayal of of themselves.

Ok guys, hands up who does the Woo Woo thing?
(mines accompanied with the Whoosh Whoosh sound)

This is sooooo exactly what goes on in our house...... unbelievable how accurate it really is.... :roll: :lol: :lol: :wink:

[andylo]

...... :?

[mike]

Q. Why do women live longer than men ?

A. Because they don't marry women.

[wavemaker]

MtB, have you been looking through the windows at our place? i had tears rolling down my cheeks, thats sooo funny and true.

[mike]

A man walked into the produce section of his local supermarket,
and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy working in that
department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce. The man was insistent that the boy ask his manager about the matter. Walking
into the back room, the boy said to the manager, "Some asshole wants
to buy half a head of lettuce." As he finished his sentence, he turned
to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "...And this
gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half." The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way. Later the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation
earlier.
We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from,
son?"
"Texas, sir," the boy replied.

"Well, why did you leave Texas?" the manager asked. The boy
said,
"Sir,
there's nothing but whores and football players down there."
"Really?"
said the manager. "My wife is from Texas."
"No s**t?!" replied the boy. "Who'd she play for?"

[Courty]

Truth hurts eh Courty??

First one should have read -
What do you call a man in handcuffs??
Delicious!!! :smt049

Now you're really scaring me! :shock:

[Flowergirl]

FG, did you have to put all of those nasty men jokes in the one post. :(

Just to show I can give em and take em ........here's one for the guys.

Why do women get periods???

Cos they deserve them !!

Why do women wear make up and perfume?

Cos they're ugly and they smell bad!!

A gay mate of mine told me those quips. He and his mates refer to women as "breeders" OUCH :smt018

[Fishman Dan]

FG, did you have to put all of those nasty men jokes in the one post. :(

Just to show I can give em and take em ........here's one for the guys.

Why do women get periods???

Cos they deserve them !!

Why do women wear make up and perfume?

Cos they're ugly and they smell bad!!

A gay mate of mine told me those quips. He and his mates refer to women as "breeders" OUCH :smt018

FG, your gay friend sounds like one of those ferals who has a vindictive streak against women - or perhaps chauvenistic abuse is just how they justify their 'lifestyle choice'. :roll:

Yes, in Sydney we profile them, categorise them and brand them just so they have something to complain about. :wink:

[AndyP]

A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly, he picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls. He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was.

So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was.

The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if the jar was full.


The students responded with an unanimous "yes."


The professor then produced two cans of beer from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar, effectively filling the empty Space between the sand. The students laughed.

"Now," said the professor, as the laughter subsided, "I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The golf balls are the important things- your family, your children, your health, your friends, your favourite passions--things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full.


The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, your car. The sand is everything else--the small stuff.


If you put the sand into the jar first," he continued, "there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you. Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups.

Take your partner out to dinner. Play another 18. There will always be time to clean the house, and fix the disposal. Take care of the golf balls first, the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand."


One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the beer represented. The professor smiled. "I'm glad you asked. It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of beers."

8) 8)

[markTHEblake]

this is supposed to be a true story, which means it probably not.
But it makes you think.

The design team of high profile Japanese electronics company presents new gadget to the CEO, who scoffs at it, because its not small enough.

Engineers claim that they cannot make it any smaller - there is no empty space left inside.

CEO asks secretary to get a bucket and fill it with water, engineers are confused.

CEO drops the one of a kind $10M prototype gadget into the bucket of water, the engineers are shocked.

CEO: "Whats happening?"
Engineer "thats Air bubbles"
CEO: "See you can make it smaller"

[Flowergirl]

A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer that was also a blonde.
The cop asked to see the blonde's driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated. "What does it look like?" she finally asked.
The policewoman replied, "It's square and it has your picture on it."
The driver finally found a square mirror, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman. "Here it is," she said.
The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, "Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop.

:smt005 :smt005 :smt005

[burger]

:smt005 :smt005 :smt005

I have to agree!!!!!!!

and I think you just came up with something very amusing!

[Eag's]

An Australian, an Irishman and an Englishman were sitting in a bar.
There was only one other person in the bar; a man.
The three men kept looking at this other man, for he seemed terribly
familiar.

They stared and stared, wondering where they had seen him before,
when suddenly the Irishman cried out, "My God, I know who that man is.
It's Jesus!"

The others looked again and, sure enough, it was Jesus himself, sitting
alone at a table.The Irishman call out, "Hey!, you!!!
Are you Jesus?"

The man looks over at him, smiles a small smile and nods his head.
"Yes, I am Jesus" he says.

The Irishman calls the bartender over and says to him "I'd like you to
give Jesus over there a pint of Guinness from me."

So the bartender pours Jesus a Guinness and takes it over to his
table.

Jesus looks over, raises his glass, smiles thank you and drinks.

The Englishman then calls out, "Errr, excuse me Sir, but would you be
Jesus?"

Jesus smiles and says, "Yes, I am Jesus."

The Englishman beckons the bartender and tells him to send over a pint
0f Newcastle Brown Ale for Jesus, which the bartender duly does.

As before, Jesus accepts the drink and smiles over at the men.

Then the Australian calls out, "Oi, you! D'ya reckon you're Jesus, or
what?"

Jesus nods and says, "Yes, I am Jesus."

The Australian is mighty impressed and has the bartender send over a
pot of Victoria Bitter for Jesus, which he accepts with pleasure.

Some time later, after finishing the drinks,
Jesus leaves his seat and approaches the three men.
He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it,
thanking him for the Guinness.
When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement.

"Oh God, the arthritis is gone," he says.
"The arthritis I've had for years is gone. It's a miracle!"

Jesus then shakes the hand of the Englishman,
thanking him for the Newcastle Brown Ale.
Upon letting go, the Englishman's eyes widen in shock.

"By jove", he exclaims,
" The migraine I've had for over 40 years is completely gone. It's a
Miracle!"

Jesus then approaches the Australian, who has a terrified look on his
face.

The Aussie whispers . "Bugger off mate, I'm on Workers Comp"

[Flowergirl]

After getting all of Pope John Paul's luggage loaded into the limousine at
the airport, the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb.


"Excuse me, Your Eminence," says the driver, "Would you please take
your seat so we can leave?"

"Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "they never let me drive at
the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today."

"I'm sorry, but I can't let you do that. I'd lose my job! What if
something should happen?" protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone
to work that morning.

"There might be something extra in it for you," says the Pope.

Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the
wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the
airport, the Supreme Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 miles
per hour.

"Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!" pleads the worried driver, but the Pope
keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.

"Oh my God, I'm gonna lose my license," moans the driver.

The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the police officer
approaches, but the policeman takes one look at him, goes back to his
motorcycle, and gets on the radio.

"I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatcher. The Police Chief
gets on the radio and the policeman tells him that he's stopped a limousine
going a hundred and five miles per hour.

"So bust him," said the Chief.

"I don't think we want to do that, he's really important," said the
policeman.

The Chief then asked, "Who ya got there, the Mayor?"

Policeman: "Bigger."

Chief: "Governor?"

Policeman: "Bigger."

"Well," said the Chief, "Who is it?"

Policeman: "I think it's God!"

Chief: "What makes you think it is God?"

Policeman: "He's got the Pope for a limousine driver!"

[Flowergirl]

A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of a plane.The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose and then shuddered quite violently for 10 or 15
seconds. The man went back to his reading.
A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, gently wiped her nose and shuddered quite violently as before. The man was becoming more and more curious about the shuddering.
A few more minutes passed and the woman sneezed one more time. Again she took a tissue, gently wiped her nose and shuddered violently. The man couldn't restrain his curiosity.
He turned to the woman and said, "You've sneezed three times, wiped your nose with a tissue, then shuddered violently! Are you all right?"
"I'm sorry if I disturbed you," the woman replied, "I have a rare condition; when I sneeze, I have an orgasm."
The man was a little embarrassed but even more curious and said, "I've never heard of that before. What are you taking for it?"
The woman looked at him and said, "Pepper."


aaaaaaaahhhhhhhhccccccchhhhhoooooooooo \:D/

[wavemaker]

another good one FG

[Flowergirl]

A woman was out golfing one day when she hit her ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.
The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you 3 wishes." The woman freed the frog and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes-that whatever you wish for, your husbandwill get 10 times more or better!"
The woman said, "That would be okay," and for her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world. The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the
most handsome man in the world, an Adonis, that women will flock to."
The woman replied, "That will be okay because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will only have eyes for me."
So, KAZAM - she's the most beautiful woman in the world!

For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world
and he will be ten times richer than you."
The woman said, "That will be okay because what is mine is his and what is his is mine."
So, KAZAM she's the richest woman in the world!
The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, I'd like a mild heart attack."

Moral of the story: Women are clever bitches. Don't mess with
them.

[Flowergirl]

The owner of a golf course in Texas was confused about paying an
invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.
He called her into his office and said, "You graduated from the
University of Texas. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much
would you take off?"

The secretary thought a moment, then replied... "Everything but my
earrings." :smt016

[Flowergirl]

An American tourist goes on a trip to China. While in China, he is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom all the time. A week after arriving back home in the States, he awakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots. Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor. The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results.
The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says: "I've got bad news for you. You've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of here. We know very little about it".
The man looks a little perplexed and says: "Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, doc".
The doctor answers: "I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're going to have to amputate your penis".
The man screams in horror, "Absolutely not! I want a second opinion". The doctor replies: "Well, it's your choice. Go ahead if you want, but surgery is your only choice".
The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims: "Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Very lare disease".
The guy says to the doctor: "Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what we can do? My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my penis?"
The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs: "Stupid Amelican docta, always want to opelate. Make more money, that way. No need to opelate!"
"Oh, Thank God!", the man replies.
"Yes", says the Chinese doctor, "You no worry! Wait two weeks and it fall off by itself!"

[Flowergirl]

Fred comes home after a hard day's work at the pickle factory and announces to his wife that he's developed a terrible sexual compulsion; he wants to stick his dick in the pickle slicer. His wife suggests he see a sex therapist, but he says he's too embarrassed. He promises to sort his problem out himself ...
A few weeks later, Fred comes home ashen-faced. His wife can see he's seriously upset.
'What's wrong?' asks the wife.
'Well ... you know that urge I had to stick my dick in the pickle slicer...'
'Oh, My God!' says his wife, 'What happened?!'
'I got fired' says Fred. His wife unzips him and, to her surprise, finds his dick still intact. Astonished, she asks 'What happened with the pickle slicer?'
'Oh,' says Fred, 'She got fired too.'

[Flowergirl]

An old man was sitting on a bench at the mall. A young punk walked up to the bench and sat down. He had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, blue and yellow. The old man just stared. Every time the punk looked, the old man was staring at him.
The punk finally said sarcastically, "What's the matter, old timer?Never done anything wild in your life?" Without batting an eye, the old man replied, "Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just
wondering if you were my son."

[Flowergirl]

sorry guys.............quiet day at the shop....needed a laugh and thought I'd share them with you!!!

[AndyP]

You may have seen this one before, but it's still funny. I'll continue FG's theme of man-bashing.


A young man was dating three women and had decided it's time to marry and make a decision between the three.. He decided to give them a little test.
He gave each woman a present of $5,000 and watched to see what they did with the money.

The first woman did a total make over. She went to a fancy beauty salon for a totally new look, got her hair done, new make up and bought several new outfits and dressed up very nicely for the man. She told him that she had done this to be more attractive for him because she loved him so much. The man was touched and impressed with her devotion to him.

The second woman went shopping to buy the man gifts. She got him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some beautiful expensive clothes. As she presented these gifts, she told him that she spent all the money on him because she loved him so much. Again, the man was touched and impressed.

The third woman invested the money in the stock market and earned several times the original $5,000. She gave him back his $5,000 and reinvested the remaining in a joint account. She told him that she wanted to save for their future because she loved him so much. Obviously, the man was again touched and impressed.

The man was faced with a difficult decision. He thought a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her and how much each one loved him.

Then he married the one with the biggest boobs.

Men are like that, you know.

[Flowergirl]

[quote="AndyP"]You may have seen this one before, but it's still funny. I'll continue FG's theme of man-bashing.


Man Bashing.......MAN BASHING!!!!!! I haven't even started yet!!!!

My jokes aren't Man Bashing. I can't help it if most jokes are about feebled minded sex crazy men instead of sensible caring & sharing females.
We women do so little wrong it's hard find jokes showing them in a bad light. ( and if that's not throwing down the gauntlet I don't know what is) :lol: :lol: :lol: )

[Golfgirl]

My jokes aren't Man Bashing. I can't help it if most jokes are about feebled minded sex crazy men instead of sensible caring & sharing females.
We women do so little wrong it's hard find jokes showing them in a bad light. ( and if that's not throwing down the gauntlet I don't know what is) )

You go girl!!! :lol: :lol: :smt043 :smt044

Sam Newman... eat your heart out! :twisted:

[Ona]

I was sent this by my sister a while back. You sheila's :wink: may like it.


MEN ARE LIKE . . . Floor Tiles, if you lay them right the
first time, you can walk all over them for years

MEN ARE LIKE . . . Bank Accounts, without a lot of money,
they dont generate much interest

MEN ARE LIKE . . . Blenders, you need one, but you're not
quite sure why

MEN ARE LIKE . . . Chocolate Bars, sweet, smooth and they
usually head right for your hips.

MEN ARE LIKE . . . Coffee, the best ones are rich, warm and
can keep you up all night long.

MEN ARE LIKE . . . Commercials, you cant believe a word they
say.

MEN ARE LIKE . . . Computers, hard to figure out and never
have enough memory.

MEN ARE LIKE . . . Coolers, load them with beer and you can
take them anywhere.

MEN ARE LIKE . . . Copiers, you need them for reproduction,
but thats about it.

MEN ARE LIKE . . . Curling Irons, they're always hot and
they're always in your hair.

MEN ARE LIKE . . . Cement, after getting laid they take
along time to get hard.

MEN ARE LIKE . . . Government Bonds, they take so long to
mature.

MEN ARE LIKE . . . High Heels, they're easy to walk on once
you get the hang of it.

MEN ARE LIKE . . . Horoscopes, they always tell you what to
do and are usually wrong.

MEN ARE LIKE . . . Lava Lamps, fun to look at, but not all
that bright.

MEN ARE LIKE . . . Mascara, they usually run at the first
sign of emotion.

MEN ARE LIKE . . . Parking Spots, the good ones are already
taken and the ones that are left are handicapped or extremely small.

MEN ARE LIKE . . . Popcorn, they satisfy you, but only for a
little while.

MEN ARE LIKE . . . Place Mats, they only show up when
there's food on the table.

MEN ARE LIKE . . . Snow Storms, you never know when they're
coming, how many inches youll get or how long they will last.

MEN ARE LIKE . . . Used Cars, both are easy-to-get, cheap
and unreliable.

MEN ARE LIKE . . . Bank Machines, once they withdraw they
lose interest.

MEN ARE LIKE . . . Bananas, the older they get, the less
firm they are.

MEN ARE LIKE . . . Newborn Babies, they're cute at first,
but you get tired of cleaning up their crap.

MEN ARE LIKE . . . Crystal, some look real good, but you can
still see right thru them.

MEN ARE LIKE . . . Dry Cleaners, most work fast and leave no
ring.

MEN ARE LIKE . . . Laxatives, they irritate the shit out of
you.

[senecio]

Another blonde joke.

A bushwalker was walking down a river bank one day looking for a place to cross when he sees a blonde woman standing on the opposite bank.

"Hey, how do I get to the other side?" he yells to the woman.

The blonde woman thinks about it for a while before replying.

"You are on the other side."


Ryan

[goughy]

Two blondes are out bushwalking when they get lost. The see some tracks in the ground and decide to follow them. After a while they start arguing over who made the tracks. Blonde one says "They're bear tracks." Blonde two replies "No. They're deer tracks". They were still standing there arguing when they got hit by the train!

Why was the blondes belly button all bruised. Her boyfriend was blonde too!

What did the blondes mother say before she went out one night. "If you're not in bed by midnight........... Come home."

[Flowergirl]

A woman went to a doctor and said "Doctor doctor I think I'm a moth."
Doctor said "I think you need a psychiatrist not a doctor"
The women replied "Oh I was on my way but I saw your light on"

[Flowergirl]

A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five-year-old son playing with his new electric train in the living room.
She heard the train stop & her son saying, "All of you bastards who want off, get the hell off now, 'cause this is the last stop! And all of you bastards who are getting on, get your ass in the train, Cause we're going down the tracks."
The horrified mother went in & told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room & stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."
Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom & resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped & the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for travelling with us today & hope your trip was a pleasant one."
She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to store all of your hand luggage under your seat. remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."
As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please direct your complaints to the fat bitch in the kitchen."

An oldie but a goodie!!!

[Davemason]

Hi everyone,
Don't know if you have seen this but I found it quite amusing. Enjoy,
Here is a list of the chapters from a new golf book that I recently heard about:
a.. How to line up your fourth putt.
b.. How to hit a Top-Flite from the rough when you've hit a Titleist from the tee.
c.. How to avoid the water when you lie 8 in the bunker.
d.. How to get more distance off the shank.
e.. Crying on the greens and how to handle it.
f.. How to rationalize a 7 hour round.
g.. How to find that ball that everyone else saw go in the water.
h.. Why your wife no longer cares that you birdied the 4th.
i.. How to let a foursome play through your twosome without being embarrassed.
j.. How to relax when you're laying five and still in the tee box.
k.. God and the meaning of the triple bogey.
l.. When to re-grip your ball retriever.
m.. How to make others envy a 36 handicap.
n.. The fuzzier the head covers, the less meaningful the score.
o.. How to ruin your opponent's game concentration by chipping naked!
p.. Yes! You can drive a ball with a putter.
q.. How to win at golf and why you never will

[Flowergirl]

A company boss has to decide who to lay off. He decides on two low level management employees Jack or Karen. He goes to Karen and says, "I will have to lay you or Jack off."

:P :P :P :P

Took me a while to get............but then again I am a blonde.........oh no I'm not............this week I'm a redhead!!! (Change is good)

[wavemaker]

a man dies and goes to heaven. at the gates he notices a large wall covered in clocks. he asks st peter what they are for. pete replies that all humans have a lie clock and the hands move once for every lie told. see that one there, says pete, that is mother theresa and the hands never moved, not one lie did she tell. and that one there is george washington, only two moves in his entire life. old mate says where is george bushes clock. god has that in his office seys pete he is using it as a ceiling fan.

[markTHEblake]

Golfer69 wakes up on the morning and greets his wife, and she says

"are you Ok, because you look terrible?", Golfer69 responds, "Yes, I feel great!". So he has breakfast and goes off to work.

As he walks out the door, he greets the postman, who says "what are you dong going to work todayyou look Terrible?". Golfer69 says "dont worry, I feel Great and cant wait to get to work" (internet mustbe broke at home).

As he arrives at work the boss says, "what are you doing here today, you look terrible", now he is getting agitated, " FFS boss, I feel great, what is wrong with everyone today"

Boss says "Listen mate, we dont want what you have got, you had better go to the doctor and get checked out cos some thing is not right"

Golfer69 couldnt get an appointment becuase all the Doctors were busy so he went to the Kwik-E-medical-Mart. The lovely young lass took one look at him and said "Oh Bliimey sir, your are looking so terribly, you better be starting in the front of Queue".

As the two men in the white suits drag Golfer69 kicking and screaming "But I feel GREAT!" much to the astonishment of the other patients - into Dr Rameshalingan's office, who said
"very good morning to you Mr 69, I am very gladly you are coming to my sho...uh surgery today, i can be very assuring that I will be fixing you today because you are looking so Terribly"

"But I feel GREAT" exclaims Golfer69

"Hmmmm" doctor pauses for a moment" This is an interesting case, please be allowing me to refer to my Doctors for Dumm...uh Medical Manual"

First he looks up, 'looks Terrible', "Uh-Huh"then he looks up 'feels great', and says' Yes, I am knowing what is the happening here"

"What is it doc? give it to me straight" asks Golfer69

"Your a C..uh, Vagina!"

[Jarro]

Blakey goes into an elevator, looks up and sees
this HUGE African American guy standing next to him. The big guys sees
Blakey staring at him, looks down and says: "7 feet tall, 350
pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right
testicle,...Turner Brown."
Blakey faints dead away and falls to the floor. The big guy
kneels down and brings him to, shaking him. The big fellow says, "What's
wrong with you?" In a weak voice Blakey says, "What EXACTLY did
you say to me?" The big dude says, "I saw the curious look and figured I'd
just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me. I'm 7
feet tall, I weight 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch penis, my left testicle
weighs 3 pounds, my right testicle weighs 3 pounds and my name is Turner
Brown."
Blakey says, "Turner Brown? Thank God! I thought you said
"Turn around."

[Trung]

My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream!

There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that one thing was her younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when quite near me and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear.

It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else. One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome and didn't really want to overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.

I was in total shock and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me." I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me.

I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house. I walked straight towards my car.

My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for better man for our daughter.

Welcome to the family.





" The moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car."

[Trung]

Four friends reunited at a party after 30 years. After a few laughs and drinks, one of them had to go to the rest room. The ones who stayed behind began to talk about their kids and their successes.

The first guy says:
I am very proud of my son, he is my pride and joy. He started working at a very successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics and Business Administration soon he was promoted and began to climb the corporate ladder becoming the General Manager and now he is the President of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes Benz for his birthday.

The second guy says:
Damn, that's terrific!! My son is also my pride and joy, I am very proud of him. He started working at a travelling Agency for a very big airline. He went to flight school to become a pilot and also manage to become a partner in the company where he now owns the majority of the assets. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday.

The third guy says:
Well, well, well congratulations!! My son is also my pride and joy and he is also very rich. He studied in the best universities and became an Engineer. He started his own construction company and became very successful and a multimillionaire. He also gave away some thing very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday. He built a 30,000 sq ft mansion specially for his friend.

The three friends congratulated each other mutually for the successes of theirs sons.

The forth friend who earlier had gone to restroom returned and asked:
What's going on, what are all the congratulations for?

One of the three said: We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons. And then he asked, What about your son?

The forth man replied: My son turned out to be a Gay Crossdresser and he makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub.

The three friends said: What a shame that must be, that is horrible, what a disappointment you must feel.

The forth man replied: No, I am not ashamed. Not at all. He is my son and I love him just as well, he is my pride and joy. And he is very lucky too!

Did you know that his birthday just passed and the other day he received a beautiful 30,000 sq ft mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes Benz from his three boyfriends.
:lol: :lol: :lol:

[Flowergirl]

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of lager and a ham sandwich.
The landlord looks at him and says, "But you're a duck".
"I see your eyes are working", replies the duck.
"And you talk!" exclaims the landlord.
"I see your ears are working", says the duck, "Now can I have my beer and my sandwich please?". "I'm working on the building site across the road", explains the duck.
Then the duck drinks his beer, eats his sandwich and leaves. This continues for 2 weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town. The ringleader of the circus comes into the pub and the landlord says to him,
"You're with the circus aren't you?, I know this duck that would be just brilliant in your circus, he talks, drinks beer and everything!".
"Sounds marvellous", says the ringleader, "get him to give me a call".
So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the landlord says, "Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money!".
"Yeah?", says the duck, "Sounds great, where is it?".
"At the circus", says the landlord.
"The circus?", the duck enquires.
"That's right", replies the landlord.
"The circus?. That place with the big tent?. With all the animals? With the big canvas roof with the hole in the middle", asks the duck.
"That's right!", says the landlord.
The duck looks confused, "What the f**k would they want with a plasterer?"

[claydog]

A cruise in the Pacific goes all wrong,the ship sinks ,there are oonly three survivors.DAVID DARREN and DEIRDRE.
They manage to swim to a small island ....and they lived there for a couple of years....doing what's natural for men and women.....
After several years of casual shagging ,all the time.DEIRDRE felt so horrible about what she was doing.....She felt having roots with both DAVID and DARREN was so bad she killed herself.....
It was very tradgic,but DAVID and DARREN managed to get through it and,after a while,nature once more took its inevitable course......
well a couple of more years went by and DAVID and DARREN bagan to feel absolutaly horrible about what they were doing..............................
..................................SO.............. ..................................................
.................................................. .................................................. ..
.................................................. .................................................. ...
THEY BURIED HER...

[Flowergirl]

Oh CRaig..you are one sick puppy!!! :shock: :D

[claydog]

Thanks ,I do try to please!

[Ducky]

LOL

:lol:

Kind regards,

Ben (Ducky).

[markTHEblake]

A young man was lost wandering in a forest, when he came upon a small
house. He knocked on the door and was greeted by an ancient Chinese man
with a long, grey beard. "I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up
for the night?"
"Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you so
much as lay a finger on my daughter, I will inflict upon you the three
worst Chinese tortures known to man."
"Ok," said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as
well, and entered the house.
Before dinner, the daughter came down the stairs. She was
young,beautiful, and had a fantastic figure. She was obviously attracted to the
young man since she couldn't keep her eyes off him during the meal.
Remembering the old man's warning, he ignored her and went up to bed alone.
But during he night, he could bear it no longer, and sneaked into her
room for a night of passion. He was careful to keep everything quiet so
the old man wouldn't hear. Near dawn he crept back to his room,
exhausted, but happy.
He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a
large rock on his chest with a note on it that read, "Chinese Torture 1:
Large rock on chest." "Well, that's pretty crappy," he thought. "If
that's the best the old man can do then I don't have much to worry about."
He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw the
boulder out. As he did so he noticed another note on it that read: "Chinese
Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle." In a panic he glanced down and
saw the rope that was already getting close to the end. Figuring that a
few broken bones was better than castration, he jumped out of the
window after the boulder. As he plummeted downward he saw a large sign on
the ground that read, "Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to
bedpost."

[Flowergirl]

Ouch :?

[claydog]

I used to hate weddings,all the old people would come up and poke me and say your next,they seemed to have stopped since I started doing the same at funerals.

[Iain]

I used to hate weddings,all the old people would come up and poke me and say your next,they seemed to have stopped since I started doing the same at funerals.
:smt044 :smt043 :smt044 :smt043 :smt038

[markTHEblake]

Element: Woman
Symbol: Wo
Discoverer: Adam
Atomic Mass: Accepted as 118lbs., known to vary from 110 to 550lbs.
Occurence: Copious quantities throughout the world.
Physical properties:
Surface usually covered with a painted field and a variety of esthers.
Boils at nothing, freezes without reason.
Melts when given special treatment.
Bitter if incorrectly used.
Found in states varying from virgin metal to common ore.
Yields to pressure applied at correct points.
Chemical properties:
Has a genuine affinity for gold, silver, platinum, and precious stones.
Absorbs great quantities of attention.
VOLATILE: May explode without warning for no apparent reason.
Insoluble in water, but activity greatly increased with alcohol.
Most common uses:
Primarily ornamental, especially in sports cars.
Found to be a great aid to relaxation.
Tests:
Pure specimen turns rosey pink when discovered in its natural state.
Turns green when placed next to a fresher specimen.
Hazards:
Hard to retain when left in inexperienced hands.
Illegal (not to mention deadly) to possess more than one at a time

[Fishman Dan]

George Bush has a heart attack and dies. He goes to hell where the devil is waiting for him.

"I don't know what to do here," says the devil. "You're on my list but I have no room for you, but you definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got 3 people here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."

George thought that sounded pretty good, so he agreed.

The devil opened the first room. In it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty handed over and over and over. Such was his fate in hell.

"No!" George said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and don't think I could do that all day long."

The devil led him to the next room. In it was Tony Blair with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammers, time after time after time.

"No! I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day!" commented George.

The devil opened a third door. In it, George saw Bill Clinton lying naked on the floor with his arms staked over his head and his legs staked in spread eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.

George Bush looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said, "Yeah, I can handle this."

The devil smiled and said.... "Monica, you're free to go!"

[Flowergirl]

Yep......I thought that was a good one!!!!!!!!!! :lol:
About time we had some more jokes posted.

[andylo]

WAAHHAHAHHAHHAHAHAHA :lol:

[Flowergirl]

WAAHHAHAHHAHHAHAHAHA :lol:

Yoy have a very infectious laugh there Andylo. :lol:

[Ducky]

A new guy in town walks into a bar and reads a sign that hangs over the bar: FREE BEER FOR THE PERSON WHO CAN PASS THE TEST! So the guy asks the bartender what the test is.

Bartender: "Well, FIRST you have to drink that whole gallon of pepper tequila, the WHOLE thing at once AND, you can't make a face while doing it. SECOND, there's a 'gator out back with a sore tooth...you have to remove it with your bare hands. THIRD, there's a woman up-stairs who's never had an orgasm. You gotta make things right for her.

Man: Well, as much as I would love free beer, I won't do it. You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila and the requirements get crazier from there.

Well, as time goes on and the man drinks a few, he asks, "Wherez zat teeqeelah?" He grabs the gallon of tequilla with both hands, and downs it with a big slurp and tears streaming down his face. Next he staggers out back and soon all the people inside hear the most frightening roaring and thumping, then silence. The man staggers back into the bar, his shirt ripped and big scratches all over his body. "Now" he says "Where's that woman with the sore tooth?"

[Flowergirl]

I am sitting here killing myself laughing at that one. Love it :lol:

[claydog]

A penguin is driving his car along the road,when it breaks down right next to a service station.After some consultation the mechanic said he could fix the problem,but it would take about an hour.He tells the penguin to go across the road to the shops and have a look around,which the penguin was happy to do.After 30 mins of looking at the shops the penguin finds an ice cream parlour and being a hot day decides to have a ice cream.After eating the ice cream which he's got all over his face and spilt down his front,he decides to go back and see how his cars going.Upon arriving back at the garage the mechanic says,"You've blown a seal mate."to which the penguin replies,"No, it's just ice cream."

[markTHEblake]

Travelling Salesman driving along a country road, and his car breaks down. Not being much of a mechanic he opens the hood and gazes blankly in the general direction of the engine (as you do). He hears a deep rough voice "Your carburettors full of shit!"

Startled he looks around and there is nobody there, just an old grey horse in the shade of a solitary gum tree.

He starts poking around the engine, (as you do) and again he hears the voice "Your carburettors full of shit", and again there is nobody there, just the horse munching on some grass.

After he checks the oil and the water, he is at a loss what to do next. "Your carburettors full of shit" again, and once again there is nobody there, but the horse. Oh well he figures he might as well look at the carby, and he removes it and empties out a heap of crap, gives it a bit of a clean, and installs it again. Starts the car up and the engine roars!. He drives off still looking around , but sees nobody there - just the horse.

A few miles down the road he pulls into a garage and talks to the owner about the strange experience he just had. The garageowner said;
"Would there happen tohave been and old grey horse standing under a gum tree right where you broke down?"
"Well yes?"
"Gee mate your damn lucky!"
"Why is that ?" he aks - puzzled
"Becuase there is normally a white horse under that tree and he knows sweet buggar all about cars!"

[Flowergirl]

Now Mark that has to be the oldest joke in the book! :wink: ( Still good though)


Paddy, who was holidaying from Ireland on Bondi beach couldn't seem to make it with any of the girls. So he asked the local lifeguard for some advice.

"Mate, it's obvious," says the lifeguard, you're wearing them old baggy board shorts that make ya look like an old man. They're years outta style. Your best bet is to grab yourself a pair of Speedos about two sizes too small - and drop a fist-sized potato down inside 'em. I'm tellin' ya man..you'll have all the babes ya want!"

The following weekend, Paddy hits the beach with his spanking new tight
Speedos, and his fist-sized potato. Everybody on the beach was disgusted as he walked by, covering their faces, turning away, laughing, looking sick! So Paddy went back to the lifeguard again and asked him, "What's wrong now?" "JAHEESUS CHRIST!" said the lifeguard, “The potato goes in front!"

[markTHEblake]

I know its and old joke - but i bet very few others do so your showing your age then.

And i just couldnt bear to let the previous joke sit there for long, it wasnt the best.....

[Flowergirl]

The laws of golf
LAW 1: No matter how bad your last shot was, the worst is yet to come. This law does not expire on the 18th hole, since it has the supernatural tendency to extend over the course of a tournament, a summer and, eventually, a lifetime.

LAW 2: Your best round of golf will be followed almost immediately by your worst round ever. The probability of the latter increases with the number of people you tell about the former.

LAW 3: Brand new golf balls are water-magnetic. Though this cannot be proven in the lab, it is a known fact that the more expensive the golf ball, the greater its attraction to water.

LAW 4: Golf balls never bounce off of trees back into play. If one does, the tree is breaking a law of the universe and should be cut down.

LAW 5: No matter what causes a golfer to muff a shot, all his playing partners must solemnly chant "You looked up," or invoke the wrath of the universe.

LAW 6: The higher a golfer's handicap, the more qualified he deems himself as an instructor.

LAW 7: Every par-three hole in the world has a secret desire to humiliate golfers. The shorter the hole, the greater its desire.

LAW 8: Topping a 3-iron is the most painful torture known to man.

LAW 9: Palm trees eat golf balls.

LAW 10: Sand is alive. If it isn't, how do you explain the way it works against you?

LAW 11: Golf carts always run out of juice at the farthest point from the clubhouse.

LAW 12: A golfer hitting into your group will always be bigger than anyone in your group. Likewise, a group you accidentally hit into will consist of a football player, a professional wrestler, a convicted murderer and an IRS agent -- or some similar combination.

LAW 13: All 3-woods are demon-possessed.

LAW 14: Golf balls from the same "sleeve" tend to follow one another, particularly out of bounds or into the water (See Law three).

LAW 15: A severe slice is a thing of awesome power and beauty.

LAW 16: "Nice lag" can usually be translated to "lousy putt." Similarly, "tough break" can usually be translated "way to miss an easy one, sucker."

LAW 17: The person you would most hate to lose to will always be the one who beats you.

LAW 18: The last three holes of a round will automatically adjust your score to what it really should be.

LAW 19: Golf should be given up at least twice per month.

LAW 20: All vows taken on a golf course shall be valid only until the sunset.

[Flowergirl]

Fred got home from his Sunday round of golf later than normal and very tired. "Bad day at the course?" his wife asked.

"Everything was going fine," he said. "Then Harry had a heart attack and died on the 10th tee."

"Oh, that's awful!"

"You're not kidding. For the whole back nine it was hit the ball, drag Harry, hit the ball, drag Harry."

[Flowergirl]

After a particularly poor game of golf, a popular club member skipped the clubhouse and started to go home. As he was walking to the parking lot to get his car, a policeman stopped him and asked, "Did you tee off on the sixteenth hole about twenty minutes ago?"

"Yes," the golfer responded.

"Did you happen to hook your ball so that it went over the trees and off the course?"

"Yes, I did. How did you know?" he asked.

"Well," said the policeman very seriously, "Your ball flew out onto the highway and crashed through a driver's windshield. The car went out of control, crashing into five other cars and a fire truck. The fire truck couldn't make it to the fire, and the building burned down. So, what are you going to do about it?"

The golfer thought it over carefully and responded...

"I think I'll close my stance a little bit, tighten my grip and lower my right thumb."

[Flowergirl]

A young man who was also an avid golfer found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in nine holes before he had to head home. Just as he was about to tee off an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone. Not being able to say no, he allowed the old gent to join him.

To his surprise the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time. Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball - and directly between his ball and the green.

After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot the old man finally said, "You know, when I was your age I'd hit the ball right over that tree."

With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally lay.

The old man offered one more comment, "Of course, when I was your age that pine tree was only three feet tall."

[markTHEblake]

A young lady came home from a date, rather sad. She told her mother, "Jeff proposed to me an hour ago."

"Then why are you so sad?" her mother asked.

"Because he also told me he was an atheist. Mom, he doesn't even believe there's a hell."

Her mother replied, "Marry him anyway. Between the two of us, we'll show him how wrong he is."

(hands up if you think that is about your wife?)

[wavemaker]

definately not mine!!!!

[markTHEblake]

HUSBAND: Shall we try a different position tonight?
WIFE: That's a good idea. Why don't YOU stand by the sink and do
the dishes and I'LL sit on the sofa and fart.

[AndyP]

Famous Cricket Sledges

1. Rod Marsh & Ian Botham:
When Botham took guard in an Ashes match, Marsh welcomed him to the wicket
with the immortal words:
"So how's your wife & my kids?"

2. Robin Smith & Merv Hughes:
During 1989 Lords Test, Hughes said to Smith after he played & missed:
"You can't f*cking bat".
Smith to Hughes after he smacked him to the boundary:
"Hey Merv, we make a fine pair. I can't f*cking bat & you can't f*cking
bowl."

3. Merv Hughes & Javed Miandad:
During 1991 Adelaide Test, Javed called Merv a fat bus conductor.
A few balls latter Merv dismissed Javed:
"Tickets please", Merv called out as he ran past the departing batsman.

4. Merv Hughes & Viv Richards:
During a test match in the West Indies, Hughes didn't say a word to Viv, but
continued to stare at him after deliveries.
"This is my island, my culture. Don't you be staring at me. In my culture we
just bowl."
Merv didn't reply, but after he dismissed him he announced to the batsman:
"In my culture we just say f*ck off."

5. Ian Healy & Arjuna Ranatunga
Healy's legendary comment which was picked up by the Channel Nine
microphones when Ranatunga called for a runner on a particularly
hot night during a one dayer in Sydney...
"You don't get a runner for being an overweight, unfit, fat c*nt!!!"

6. Shane Warne & Daryll Cullinan:
As Cullinan was on his way to the wicket, Warne told him he had been waiting
two years for another chance to humiliate him.
"Looks like you spent it eating," Cullinan retorted.

7. Glenn McGrath & Eddo Brandes:
After Brandes played & missed at a McGrath delivery, the Aussie bowler
politely enquired:
"Oi, Brandes, why are you so fat?"
"Cos every time I f*ck your wife she gives me a biscuit," Brandes replied.

8. Ricky Ponting & Shaun Pollock:
After going past the outside edge with a couple of deliveries, Pollock told
Ponting:
"It's red, round & weighs about 5 ounces."
Unfortunately for Pollock, the next ball was hammered out of the ground.
Ponting to Pollock:
"You know what it looks like, now go find it."

One other, although not really a sledge.

Merv Hughes was playing for Australia against a South African provincial
side during a tour to SA.
Hansie Cronje was facing him on a totally flat deck and belting fours and
sixes from every one of Hughes' overs.
After Cronje hit Hughes for six for about the 8th time, Big Merv ran down
the pitch, let out a huge fart and said
"Try and hit that for six".
It was about 5 minutes before everyone was composed enough to continue the
game.

[markTHEblake]

In the famous test where West Indies scored a record 4th innings victory.

Mcgrath Bowling to Sarwan who was belting him around a bit. I am sure everyone remembers the video of this altercation which was quite heated.

Mcgrath: Whats Brian's %^&* taste like?
Sarwan: I dont know, ask your wife.
Mcgrath: If you ever ****ing mention my wife again, I will ****ing rip your ****ing throat out.

Mcgrath complained to the umpires becuase his wife was being treated for cancer, the end result was that Mcgrath was censured by the ACB unnoficially, and has regretted the ouburst.

[Ducky]

5. Ian Healy & Arjuna Ranatunga
Healy's legendary comment which was picked up by the Channel Nine
microphones when Ranatunga called for a runner on a particularly
hot night during a one dayer in Sydney...
"You don't get a runner for being an overweight, unfit, fat c*nt!!!"
That is the best sledge ever!

:D

Kind regards,

Ben (Ducky).

[AndyP]

5. Ian Healy & Arjuna Ranatunga
Healy's legendary comment which was picked up by the Channel Nine
microphones when Ranatunga called for a runner on a particularly
hot night during a one dayer in Sydney...
"You don't get a runner for being an overweight, unfit, fat c*nt!!!"
That is the best sledge ever!

Because it's true. He was a overweight, unfit, fat c*nt! :lol:

Geez, he was a pain in the a*se. :x

[markTHEblake]

"You don't get a runner for being an overweight, unfit, fat c*nt!!!"
That is the best sledge ever!.[/quote]

Nahh, Ranatungas comeback was even better - hitting the winning runs.
World Cup final wasnt it?

For a sledge to have being the best, it had to have worked. ;-)

[Fishman Dan]

With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost went unnoticed last week.

Larry LaPrise, the man who wrote "The Hokey Pokey," died peacefully at age 93. The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in, and then the trouble started.....












[Aw c'mon, you know it's funny!!!! By the way, where are the jokes? I had to go 3 pages back to find this thread!]

[Onewood]

[Aw c'mon, you know it's funny!!!! By the way, where are the jokes? I had to go 3 pages back to find this thread!]

After that one fishman....you should have left it there :D

[AndyP]

A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs.

The guy says aloud, "Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot?"

The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot, my name is John."

"Holy crap," the guy replies. "You actually understood and answered me!"

"I got every word," says the parrot. "I happen to be a highly intelligent, thoroughly educated bird."

"Oh yeah?" the guy asks, "Then answer this -- how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?"

"Well," the parrot says, "this is very embarrassing but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers."

"Wow," says the guy. "You really can understand and speak English can't you?"

"Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion."


The guy looks at the $200 price tag. "Sorry, but I just can't afford that."

"Pssssssst," says the parrot, "I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for $20, just make the guy an offer!"


The guy offers $20 and walks out with the parrot.

Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humour, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful. The guy is delighted.


One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot goes, "Psssssssssssst," and motions him over with one wing. "I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the postman."

"What are you talking about?" asks the guy.

"When the postman delivered the mail today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nightie and kissed him passionately."

"WHAT???" the guy asks incredulously. "THEN what happened?"

"Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her nightie and began petting her all over," reported the parrot.

"Oh No!" he exclaims. "Then what?" "Then he lifted up the nightie, got down on his knees and began to kiss her all over, starting with her breasts and slowly going down...."

"WELL," demands the frantic guy, "THEN WHAT HAPPENED?"

"Dunno! I got a hard-on and fell off my perch! "

[Flowergirl]

I love it Andy.......I just fell off my perch reading it. :lol:

[markTHEblake]

what were you holding on with?

[Flowergirl]

what were you holding on with?

Suction boy- suction :twisted: ( you asked for that!!)

[Fishman Dan]

what were you holding on with?

Suction boy- suction :twisted: ( you asked for that!!)

Come on AP - there's ya dob button right there. C'mon, you know if it was a boy who said that it would be a tech foul...

[AndyP]

what were you holding on with?

Suction boy- suction :twisted: ( you asked for that!!)

Come on AP - there's ya dob button right there. C'mon, you know if it was a boy who said that it would be a tech foul...
I thought she was just talking about using suction cups or something. :? :-"

[AndyP]

Don't know if this is for real or not.
I didn't think that many phone calls were made live to air.

-------------------

DJ: "Hey! This is Ed on FOX-FM. Have you ever heard of 'Mate Match'?"

Contestant: (laughing) "Yes, I have."

DJ: "Great! Then you know we're giving away a trip to the Gold Coast if you win. What is your name? First only please."

Contestant: "Brian."

DJ: "Brian, are you married or what?"

Brian: (laughing nervously) "Yes, I am married."

DJ: "Thank you. Now, what is your wife's name? First only please."
Brian: "Sarah."

DJ: "Is Sarah at work Brian?"

Brian: (laughing) "Yes, she's at work."

DJ: "Ok, first question - when was the last time you had sex?"

Brian: "She is gonna kill me."

DJ: "Brian! Stay with me here!"

Brian: "About 8 o'clock this morning."

DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."

DJ: "Question 2 - How long did it last?"

Brian: "About 10 minutes."

DJ: "Wow! You really want that trip, huh? No one would ever have said
that if a trip wasn't at stake."

Brian: "Yeah, that trip sure would be nice."

DJ: "Okay. 3rd & final question. Where did you have sex at 8 o'clock this morning?"

Brian: (laughing hard) "I, ummm, I, well..."

DJ: "This sounds good, Brian. Where was it at?"

Brian: "Not that it was all that great, but her mom is staying with us for a couple of weeks....and the Mother-In-Law was in the shower at the time."

DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."

Brian: "On the kitchen table."

DJ: "Not that great?? That is more adventure than the previous hundred times I've done it. Okay folks, I will put Brian on hold, get his wife's work number and call her up. You listen to this."



3 minutes of commercials follow.



DJ: "Okay audience, let's call Sarah, shall we?" (touch tones .....ringing...)

Clerk:: "Kinkos."

DJ: "Hey, is Sarah around there somewhere?"

Clerk:: "This is she."

DJ: "Sarah, this is Ed with FOX-FM. We are live on the air right now, and I've been talking with Brian."

DJ: "He is on the line with us. Brian knows not to give any answers away or you'll lose. Sooooooo...do you know the rules of 'Mate Match'?"

Sarah: "No."

DJ: "Good!" Sarah: (laughing) "Brian, what the hell are you up to?"

Brian: (laughing) "Just answer his questions honestly, okay? Be completely honest."

DJ: "Yeah yeah yeah. Sure. Now, I will ask you 3 questions Sarah. If your answers match Brian's answers, then the both of you will be off to the Gold Coast for 5days on us.

Sarah: (laughing) "Yes."

DJ: "Alright. When did you last have sex, Sarah?"

Sarah: "Oh God, Brian....uh, this morning before Brian went to work."

DJ: "What time?" Sarah: "Around 8 this morning."

DJ: "Very good. Next question. How long did it last?"

Sarah: "12,15 minutes maybe."

DJ: "Hmmmm. That's close enough. I am sure she is trying to protect his manhood. We've got one last question, Sarah. You are one question away from a trip to the Gold Coast. Are you ready?"

Sarah: (laughing) "Yes."

DJ: "Where did you have it?"

Sarah: "OH MY GOD, BRIAN!! You didn't tell them that, did you?"

Brian: "Just tell him, honey."

DJ: "What is bothering you so much, Sarah?"

Sarah: "Well..."

DJ: Come on Sarah ..... where did you have it?

Sarah: "Up the @rse....."

After a long pause, the DJ said, "Folks, we need to take a station break"

[Ducky]

DJ: Come on Sarah ..... where did you have it?

Sarah: "Up the @rse....."

After a long pause, the DJ said, "Folks, we need to take a station break"
Gold! Pure gold!

Did they win the trip or what? If they didn't after that effort I would not be a happy camper!

Kind regards,

Ben (Ducky).

[Iain]

How many men does it take to open a beer?

None - It should be opened by the time she brings it

----------------------------------------------------------------
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a
woman?

Because a woman who can't even afford a washing
machine will probably never be able to support you.

----------------------------------------------------------------
Why do women have smaller feet than men?

It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows
them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.


-------------------------------------------------------------------
How do you know when a woman is about to say
something smart?

When she starts her sentence with "A man once told
me..."

-------------------------------------------------------------------
How do you fix a woman's watch?

You don't. There is a clock on the oven.


-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do men break wind more than women?

Because women can't shut up long enough to build up
the required pressure.

--------------------------------------------------------------------
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife
is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?

The dog, of course - He'll shut up once you let him in

-------------------------------------------------------------------
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?

A woman who won't do what she's told

-------------------------------------------------------------------
I married Miss Right.

I just didn't know her first name was' Always'

-------------------------------------------------------------------
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive
by 90%.

It's called a Wedding Cake


-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do men die before their wives?

They want to.

-------------------------------------------------------------------
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down
the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they
are sexy.

-------------------------------------------------------------------
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

-------------------------------------------------------------------

[Iain]

The Perfect Couple

Once upon a time a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a
perfect courtship they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of
course, perfect. One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help.


There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to
disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple
loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along
delivering the toys.


Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect
couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the
accident.


Question: Who was the survivor?


(Scroll down for the answer)





























Answer: The perfect woman survived. She's the only one who really
existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man.


(Women stop reading here, that is the end of the joke. Men keep
scrolling.)





























So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the woman must have
been driving. This explains why there was a car accident.


(Men keep scrolling)





























By the way, if you're a woman and you're still reading, this
illustrates another point: Women never listen !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[amanda]

Stop telling fibs Iain :^o

[Flowergirl]

Geez Iain - you are a very brave man. I hope you haven't forgotton that I'm travelling north next month!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Keza_G]

Geez Iain - you are a very brave man. I hope you haven't forgotton that I'm travelling north next month!!!!!!!!!!!!

And I'm already here!!!!! be careful sunshine.... The Lady Ozgolfers are keeping an eye on you....... 8)

Cheers

Keza

[Eag's]

If this story doesn't make you cry for laughing so hard, let me know and
I'll pray for you. This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years. The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awakened.

The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.
Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural.

She told him to see a doctor; she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.The years went by and he continued to rip them out.
Then one Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her!

She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.

Some time later she heard her husband awakened with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a bloodcurdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom. The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good.

About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said, "Honey, you were right.
All these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you."

"What do you mean?" asked his wife. "Well, you always told me that one
day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened.
But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and these two fingers, I think I got most of them back in."

[Iain]

Geez Iain - you are a very brave man. I hope you haven't forgotton that I'm travelling north next month!!!!!!!!!!!!


And I'm already here!!!!! be careful sunshine.... The Lady Ozgolfers are keeping an eye on you....... Cool

Cheers

Keza

Awwww, you 2 don't scare me!!!!! :P :P :^o :^o

[Flowergirl]

Geez Iain - you are a very brave man. I hope you haven't forgotton that I'm travelling north next month!!!!!!!!!!!!


And I'm already here!!!!! be careful sunshine.... The Lady Ozgolfers are keeping an eye on you....... Cool

Cheers

Keza

Awwww, you 2 don't scare me!!!!! :P :P :^o :^o

Be afraid Iain....be very afraid. :twisted:

[990B Luva]

Two golfers were sitting at the 19th hole discussing their games when one says ...
"My game is so bad, this year I had to have my ball
retriever regripped!"

[990B Luva]

Two golfers standing on the 15th green, overlooking a lake. One golfer says to the other "Look at those two fools fishing in the rain"

[990B Luva]

"If I died, would you remarry?" asked the wife.
"Probably would," came the reply.
"And would you let her be your golfing partner?"
"Yes, I think so."
"But surely you wouldn't give her my clubs?"
"Oh no. She's left-handed."

[990B Luva]

GOLF COURSE OR...
Four married guys go golfing. While playing the 4th hole, the following conversation took place:
1st Guy: "You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out golfing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend."
2nd Guy: "That's nothing. I had to promise my wife I will build a new deck for the pool."
3rd Guy: "Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife I will remodel the kitchen for her."
They continued to play the hole when they realised that the 4th guy hadn't said anything. So they ask him, " You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come golfing this weekend. What's the deal?'
4th Guy: I just set the alarm for 5.30 a.m. and when it went off, I shut off the alarm, gave the wife a nudge and said, 'golf course or intercourse?'
And she said, "Wear your sweater".

[990B Luva]

GOLF PARTNER.
A fellow comes home after his regular Saturday golf game and his wife asks why he doesn't include Tom O'Brien in the rounds anymore.
The husband asks, "Would you want to play with a guy who regularly cheats, swears up a storm over anything, lies about his score, and has nothing good to say about anyone else on the course?"
"Of course I wouldn't, " replies the wife.
"Well," says the husband, neither would Tom O'Brien."

[990B Luva]

A wife says to her husband ...
"You think so much of your old golf game that you don't even remember when we were married."
Her husband replies ...
"Of course I do, my dear. It was the day I sank that 30-foot putt."

[990B Luva]

A few blokes were sitting in the clubhouse after their game.
Another chap frantically runs into the clubhouse and says "Help, there is a woman been hit by a golf ball down between the 1st and 2nd holes. One of the fellows at the bar says "geez, not much room for a band aid there" !

[990B Luva]

I'll go and ask if we can play through, said Max to Jerry. The two golfers had been concerned for some time at the snail-like progress of two women, originally some holes ahead and now just in front of them on the 9th fairway. Max returned after only a few paces towards the ladies.
"Jerry, this is very embarrassing, but would you mind going. That's my wife up ahead and she's playing with my mistress."
Jerry returned having got no further than Max. " I say," he said, "what a coincidence."

[990B Luva]

A Foggy Hole-In-One
Two dim-witted golfers are teeing off on a foggy par-3. They can see the flag, but not the green. The first golfer hits his ball into the fog and the second golfer does the same. They proceed to the green to find their balls.
One ball is about 6 feet from the cup while the other found it's way into the cup for a hole-in-one. Both were playing the same type of balls, Pinnacle 2, and couldn't determine which ball was which.
They decided to ask the golf pro to decide their fate.
After congratulating both golfers on their fine shots, the golf pro asks
"Which one of you used the orange one?"

[990B Luva]

GOLF BALLS,
A woman was cleaning her husbands dresser drawers when she found 3 golf balls in a box along with $10,000. She waited for him to come home from the golf course and asked him why these items were hidden in his dresser drawer. The husband said I am sorry to have kept the truth from you but everytime I was unfaithful to you over the last 30 years I placed a golf ball in the drawer. The wife was very upset at first but after thinking about it said well 3 times in 30 years isn't that bad! Oh by the way what is the $10,000 in the box for? The husband replied" Well every time I got a dozen balls I sold them."

[990B Luva]

MALPRACTICE.
A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly towards a foursome of men playing the next hole.
Indeed, the ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in evident agony. The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologise. She explained that she was a physical therapist: "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd just allow me!" she told him earnestly.
"Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes," he replied as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch, but she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, and she put her hands inside. After a short massage she asked him, "How does that feel?"
To which he replied: "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell!"

[990B Luva]

RARE CHINESE DISEASE.
A woman golfer was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or any sex in quite sometime.
She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to employ the medical expertise of a sex therapist.
Her doctor recommended that she go see Dr. Chang, the well known Chinese sex therapist.
So she went to see him. Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said " okay, take off all your crose."
The woman did as she was told. "Now. get down and craw reeery reery fass to odder side of the room." Again the woman did as she was instructed. Dr. Chang, then said, OK, now craw reeery reery fast back to me."
So she did. Dr. Chang slowly shook his head and said, "Your prbrem vewy bad, you have Ed Zachary Disease, worst case I ever see, dat why you not haf sex or dates."
Confused, the woman asked, "Oh my God, Dr. Chang, what is Ed Zachary Disease?
Dr. Chang looked the woman in the eyes and replied,
"Ed Zachary Disease is when your face rook Ed Zachary rike your ass."

[990B Luva]

A golfer was addressing his ball on the first hole, getting ready to swing.
As he was about to hit, a voice came over the P.A. system,
'Will the gentleman on the ladies tee please move back to the mens tee."
The golfer looked up and then resumed addressing the ball.
The voice again, "Will the Man on the Red tees please move back to the white tees.
The golfer looked back at the starter's shack and said,
"Will the man on the P.A. please shut #&@% up, and let the man on the red tee hit his second shot.

[Fishman Dan]

990B - this is fast becoming spam....

[990B Luva]

Golf vs. Tennis
After receiving tennis lessons the previous day, a resort guest decided to
take a golf lesson the following morning.
Upon meeting the instructor, he asked...
"What's the difference between golf and tennis?"
Without hesitation, the instructor replied...
"Tennis is like murder -- you just want to kill the other player."
"Golf is like suicide -- you just want to kill yourself.”

[990B Luva]

There's a lesson in this for us all
A man was walking down the street, when he was accosted by a
particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man, who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.
The man took out his wallet, extracted five dollars and asked, "If I
give you this money will you buy beer with it instead?"
"No, I stopped drinking years ago," the homeless man said.
"Will you use it to gamble instead of buying food?" the man asked.
"No, I don't gamble," the homeless man said. "I need everything I
can get just to stay alive." "Will you spend the money on greens fees at a golf course instead
of food?" the man asked. "Are you BLOODY NUTS?" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played
golf in 20 years!" "Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you five dollars.
I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my
wife." The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you
for doing that? I'm very dirty, and I probably smell pretty bad."
The man replied, "That's okay, mate! I just want her to see what a
man looks like who's given up beer, gambling, and golf.
________________________________________________
A golfer stumbles into the club house, battered and bruised and with a 3 iron tightly wound round his neck. "What happened to you?" the barman asked. "I was playing the 14th, with the out of bounds down the right, and the ladies match ahead of us were looking for a lost ball. I walked up to lend a hand and while searching down the fence line I noticed one of the cows in the field was obviously in distress. I went across to it and lifted its tail to see a Pro V1, with three orange dots, firmly plugged. So I shouted to the lady golfer, "Excuse Me, but does this look like yours?""
________________________________________________
A man was invited to play at his friend's course and during the round he felt the call of nature. He was far away from the toilets and so he went behind a tree believing that he was unobserved. However, on a parallel fairway, three lady members were playing. As they passed they were surprised to observe just a very private part of the man's anatomy protruding from around the tree. He's certainly not my husband, I can tell, said the first lady, Disgusting- I'm glad he's not mine either, said the second lady. It really is a damned cheek, said the third. That's not even a club member!
__________________________________________________ There's a lesson in this for us all
A man was walking down the street, when he was accosted by a
particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man, who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.
The man took out his wallet, extracted five dollars and asked, "If I
give you this money will you buy beer with it instead?"
"No, I stopped drinking years ago," the homeless man said.
"Will you use it to gamble instead of buying food?" the man asked.
"No, I don't gamble," the homeless man said. "I need everything I
can get just to stay alive." "Will you spend the money on greens fees at a golf course instead
of food?" the man asked. "Are you BLOODY NUTS?" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played
golf in 20 years!" "Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you five dollars.
I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my
wife." The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you
for doing that? I'm very dirty, and I probably smell pretty bad."
The man replied, "That's okay, mate! I just want her to see what a
man looks like who's given up beer, gambling, and golf.
A golfer stumbles into the club house, battered and bruised and with a 3 iron tightly wound round his neck. "What happened to you?" the barman asked. "I was playing the 14th, with the out of bounds down the right, and the ladies match ahead of us were looking for a lost ball. I walked up to lend a hand and while searching down the fence line I noticed one of the cows in the field was obviously in distress. I went across to it and lifted its tail to see a Pro V1, with three orange dots, firmly plugged. So I shouted to the lady golfer, "Excuse Me, but does this look like yours?""
A man was invited to play at his friend's course and during the round he felt the call of nature. He was far away from the toilets and so he went behind a tree believing that he was unobserved. However, on a parallel fairway, three lady members were playing. As they passed they were surprised to observe just a very private part of the man's anatomy protruding from around the tree. He's certainly not my husband, I can tell, said the first lady, Disgusting- I'm glad he's not mine either, said the second lady. It really is a damned cheek, said the third. That's not even a club member!
Tip For Getting Out of Sand Traps
An octogenarian who was an avid golfer moved to a new town and joined the local Country Club. He went to the Club for the first time to play, but was told that there wasn't anybody he could play with because they were already out on the course. He repeated several times that he really wanted to play today. Finally, the assistant Pro said he would play with him and asked him how many strokes he wanted for a bet. The 80 year old said, "I really don't need any strokes as I have been playing quite well. The only real problem I have, is getting out of sand traps." And he did play well. Coming to the par four 18th, they were all even. The Pro had a nice drive and was able to get on the green and two-putt for a par. The old man had a nice drive, but his approach shot landed in a sand trap next to the green. Playing from the bunker he hit a high ball, which landed on the green and rolled into the cup. Birdie, match and all the money! The Pro walked over to the sand trap where his opponent was still standing in the trap. He said: "nice shot, but I thought you said you have a problem getting out of sand traps?" Replied the octogenarian "I do, would you please give me a hand."
On old man, Jesus and Moses went out for a game of golf. Moses played first and sliced his drive into a lake. He walked down to the lake, parted the water and hit his second to within 3 feet of the hole. Jesus played next. He also sliced his drive into the lake. He walked down to the lake, walked across the water where his ball rose to the top of the lake, and hit his second shot to within 3 inches of the hole. The old man was next and he also sliced his drive into the lake. Just as the ball hit the water a fish swam to the top and swallowed it. Before the fish could dive down a bird flew down and grabbed the fish. It flew out and over the green where the fish, which had been wriggling, fell from its mouth. The fish land on the green 10 feet from the hole and the ball pops out of its mouth and rolls into the hole. Jesus looks at the old man and says "Stop cheating dad"
There was a foursome of ladies about to play a par three 165 yards long. Suddenly, out of the trees beside the fairway..a streaker ran across the open expanse of the fairway. In a gasp, one lady remarked " I think I know that guy .. isn't that Dick Green"? "No" replied another, " I think it's a reflection of the grass!"
A hack golfer spends a day at the plush country club ... knocking balls around the course and enjoying the luxury of a complimentary caddy. Being a hack golfer, he plays poorly all day. About the 18th hole, he spots a lake left of the fairway. He looks at the caddy and says, "I've played so poorly all day; I think I'm going to go drown myself in that lake." The caddy looks back at him and says, "I don't think you could keep your head down that long."
_______________________________________________
Tip For Getting Out of Sand Traps
An octogenarian who was an avid golfer moved to a new town and joined the local Country Club. He went to the Club for the first time to play, but was told that there wasn't anybody he could play with because they were already out on the course. He repeated several times that he really wanted to play today. Finally, the assistant Pro said he would play with him and asked him how many strokes he wanted for a bet. The 80 year old said, "I really don't need any strokes as I have been playing quite well. The only real problem I have, is getting out of sand traps." And he did play well. Coming to the par four 18th, they were all even. The Pro had a nice drive and was able to get on the green and two-putt for a par. The old man had a nice drive, but his approach shot landed in a sand trap next to the green. Playing from the bunker he hit a high ball, which landed on the green and rolled into the cup. Birdie, match and all the money! The Pro walked over to the sand trap where his opponent was still standing in the trap. He said: "nice shot, but I thought you said you have a problem getting out of sand traps?" Replied the octogenarian "I do, would you please give me a hand."
__________________________________________________ __
On old man, Jesus and Moses went out for a game of golf. Moses played first and sliced his drive into a lake. He walked down to the lake, parted the water and hit his second to within 3 feet of the hole. Jesus played next. He also sliced his drive into the lake. He walked down to the lake, walked across the water where his ball rose to the top of the lake, and hit his second shot to within 3 inches of the hole. The old man was next and he also sliced his drive into the lake. Just as the ball hit the water a fish swam to the top and swallowed it. Before the fish could dive down a bird flew down and grabbed the fish. It flew out and over the green where the fish, which had been wriggling, fell from its mouth. The fish land on the green 10 feet from the hole and the ball pops out of its mouth and rolls into the hole. Jesus looks at the old man and says "Stop cheating dad"
________________________________________________
There was a foursome of ladies about to play a par three 165 yards long. Suddenly, out of the trees beside the fairway..a streaker ran across the open expanse of the fairway. In a gasp, one lady remarked " I think I know that guy .. isn't that Dick Green"? "No" replied another, " I think it's a reflection of the grass!"
_________________________________________________
A hack golfer spends a day at the plush country club ... knocking balls around the course and enjoying the luxury of a complimentary caddy. Being a hack golfer, he plays poorly all day. About the 18th hole, he spots a lake left of the fairway. He looks at the caddy and says, "I've played so poorly all day; I think I'm going to go drown myself in that lake." The caddy looks back at him and says, "I don't think you could keep your head down that long."

[Iain]

990B - this is fast becoming spam....

I agree, a post boost of Jarro and Andippy proportions!!!!! :shock: :shock:

[Flowergirl]

and all poached from "that other site"!!!! Some oldies but still goodies. :wink:

[markTHEblake]

990b - you did check that none of those jokes have been posted here before didnt you?

you know the rules, telling a joke thats already being told, means you have to buy everyone a drink.

[Jarro]

and all poached from "that other site"!!!! Some oldies but still goodies. :wink:

they're still the best ones though aren't they FG :wink:

[990B Luva]

and all poached from "that other site"!!!! Some oldies but still goodies. :wink:
yes all poached from iseekgolf :lol:

[markTHEblake]

We all know what a Ho that Jarro is, well in his latest ebay foray he picked up a brand new pair of white alligator skin golf shoes - the latest model, for a song!

When they arrived, he immediately tried them on, and he was so proud, he looked a million dollars and cant wait to show his new shoes to all his Ozgolf mates.

When his wife came home from coffee with the ladies and late night shopping, he wanted to see if she noticed, but she didnt say a thing. He pranced around the kitchen while she was cooking, and goose stepped through the lounge in front of Nip/Tuck, but she still didnt say boo.

By this time Mrs Jarro had gone to bed and was busy reading her Mills and Boone. Jarro is real frustated by now, so he strips off every but the shoes and stands up stark naked on the end of the bed. Still she doesnt even bat an eyelid.

Jarro frustratingly claims "Dont you notice ANYTHING?"
Mrs Jarro "I have seen THAT before" without even looking up.
"BUT look where its pointing!" jarro blurts out.
"Pity you didnt buy a new hat!"

[Onewood]

Animals revenge on humans :lol:

http://img178.exs.cx/img178/166/pic082811ul.jpg

http://img178.exs.cx/img178/3691/pic047349et.jpg

http://img178.exs.cx/img178/8319/pic019996du.jpg

http://img178.exs.cx/img178/4021/pic264186vw.jpg

If any of these offend humans please sing out and I will remove :D

[AndyP]

If any of these offend humans please sing out and I will remove :D
Where's the fun in that? That's what the dob button is for. :twisted:

[Flowergirl]

Three mice are sitting at a bar after the funeral of a fellow mouse, killed by an 80-year-old lady with a broom, trying to impress each other about how much tougher they are.
The Queensland mouse throws down a shot of bourbon, slams the empty glass onto the bar, turns to the New South Wales mouse and says, "When I see a mousetrap, I lie on my back and set it off with my foot. When the bar comes down, I catch it in my teeth, bench press it twenty times to work up an appetite, and then make off with the cheese."
The New South Wales mouse orders up two shots of tequila, drinks them down one after the other, slams both glasses onto the bar, turns to the Queensland mouse and replies, "Oh yeah? When I see rat poison, I collect as much as I can, take it home, grind it up to a powder, and add it to my coffee each morning so I can get a good buzz going for the rest of the day."
They both turn to the Victorian mouse. The Victorian mouse finishes the beer she has in front of her, lets out a long burp and says to the two, "I don't have time for this BS". Gotta go home and have sex with the cat."

[AndyP]

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her
nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his
name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows
the bank manager.

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant,
about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank
manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out
there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to
use this as collateral."

She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"

The bank manager looks back at her and says...

"It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a
Rolling Stone."

:roll:

[Ducky]

"It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."
Haha.

:D

Kind regards,

Ben (Ducky).

[markTHEblake]

oh no,. that song is going to be in my head for a week.

[Jarro]

oh no,. that song is going to be in my head for a week.

poor song, it'll be pretty lonely in there.

[AndyP]

With the high rate of attacks on women in secluded parking lots, especially during evening hours, the Minneapolis City Council has established a "Women Only" parking lot at the Mall of America.

Even the parking lot attendants are exclusively female so that a comfortable and safe environment is created for patrons. Below is the first picture available of this world-first women-only parking lot in Minnesota.





























http://img12.imgspot.com/u/05/33/04/ATT1111.jpg

[AndyP]

http://img12.imgspot.com/u/05/33/05/Oneofthosedays51823.jpg

[Flowergirl]

The reason women can't park is because they are misled in what six inches really looks like.

[Flowergirl]

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

For example, one evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."
I said "WHAT????!!! What was that?!"
She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"
What every boyfriend/husband on the planet dreads to hear..."You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man."

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night I went to sleep. The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a
big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'll just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings.

Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.
Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all dear, Let's go to the cashier".

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."
Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled "WHAT???!!!"

I then said, "Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while.. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman."
And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"

Apparently I'm not getting any tonight either.


My husband liked this one :wink:

[Iain]

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

For example, one evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."
I said "WHAT????!!! What was that?!"
She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"
What every boyfriend/husband on the planet dreads to hear..."You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man."

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night I went to sleep. The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a
big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'll just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings.

Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.
Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all dear, Let's go to the cashier".

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."
Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled "WHAT???!!!"

I then said, "Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while.. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman."
And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"

Apparently I'm not getting any tonight either.


My husband liked this one :wink:

=D> =D> =D> =D> =D> =D> =D>

[markTHEblake]

For example, one evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up,

i just couldnt read any more.....had to grab a cold shower.

[Keza_G]

The reason women can't park is because they are misled in what six inches really looks like.

:smt043 :smt082 :smt044 :smt098 :smt023
=D> =D> =D> =D> =D> =D> =D> =D> =D> =D> =D>

[AndyP]

Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and go into the woods. Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace.

Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could not contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother, "Mommy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane........"

At this point Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight."

At the dinner table, Mommy asked little Johnny to tell his story. Johnny started his story, "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then ......Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mommy and Uncle Bill used to do when
Daddy was in the Army."!!!!!

Moral: Sometimes you need to listen to the whole story before you interrupt.

[AndyP]

This one is a joke, but barely.
----------
Three turtles, Joe, Steve, and Raymond, decide to go on a picnic.

So Joe packs the picnic basket with cookies, bottled sodas, and sandwiches. The trouble is, the picnic site is 10 miles away, so the turtles take 10 whole days to get there. By the time they do arrive, everyone's exhausted.

Joe takes the stuff out of the basket, one by one. He takes out the sodas and says, 'Alright, Steve, gimme the bottle opener.'
'I didn't bring the bottle opener,' Steve says. 'I thought you packed it.'
Joe gets worried. He turns to Raymond. 'Raymond, do you have the bottle opener?' Naturally, Raymond doesn't have it, so the turtles are stuck ten miles away from home without soda. Joe & Steve beg Raymond to turn back home and retrieve it, but Raymond flatly refuses, knowing that they'll eat everything by the time he gets back.

After about two hours, the turtles manage to convince Raymond to go, swearing on their great-grand turtles' graves that they won't touch the food. So, Raymond sets off down the road, slow and steadily.

Twenty days pass, but no Raymond. Joe and Steve are hungry and puzzled, but a promise is a promise. Another day passes, and still no Raymond, but a promise is a promise. After three more days pass without Raymond in sight, Steve starts getting restless. 'I NEED FOOD!' he says with a hint of dementia in his voice. 'NO!' Joe retorts. 'We promised.' Five more days pass. Joe realizes that Raymond probably skipped out to the diner down the road, so the two turtles weakly lift the lid, get a sandwich, and open their mouths to eat.

But then, right at that instant, Raymond pops out from behind a rock, and
says, 'I knew it!, I'm not going.'

[Ducky]

It gets my tick of approval...

:smt023

[Flowergirl]

I love it!!!!!!!!!!!!

[wavemaker]

How do you make a cat go woof. pour petrol on him then throw a match at him. woof
How do you make a dog go meow. Freeze him and put him through a band saw. Meow

[990B Luva]

Jarro & his wife have just gotten married and are on their honeymoon, being quite innocent they have not been intimate with each before this, and as such they are quite shy.
The wife says "I have a bit of a confession to make and I don't want to surprise you, but I have a very flat chest"
Jarro replies "That's ok, I too have a confession, and don't want to surprise you, but I'm hung like a baby"
"that's ok" replies the wife
she undresses, and true to her word, her chest is completely flat, barely a bump visible.
Jarro then underesses, and the wife passes out.
Jarro brings her back to conciousness, and she says" I thought you said you were hung like a baby?"
"I am. 8 pounds 20 inches"

[AndyP]

A man escapes from a prison where he's been locked up for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair.

While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife:
"Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain... do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!"

His wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom."
"Be strong honey. I love you, too!"

[AndyP]

Playing golf in the morning as well. It's going to be a great day!

http://img14.imgspot.com/u/05/61/16/bigday161618.jpg

[wavemaker]

Thanks Andyp but it sounds like any other day to me :lol:

[McMw]

Anna Nicole Smith @ MTV (http://news.ninemsn.com.au/img/entertainment/0403_annanicole1_g.jpg)

[Jarro]

Anna Nicole Smith @ MTV (http://news.ninemsn.com.au/img/entertainment/0403_annanicole1_g.jpg)

.. thanks Mau 8)

[Flowergirl]

Wow - amazing how natural they look - NOT!!!!!!!

[AndyP]

My wife dresses to kill. She also cooks the same way.
-Henny Youngman
----------------------------------------------------------

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
-Rodney Dangerfield
-----------------------------------------------------------

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
-Milton Berle
------------------------------------------------------------

I bought my wife a new car. She called and said,
"There was water in the carburettor."
I asked her , "Where's the car?"
She replied,"In the lake."
-Henny Youngman
--------------------------------------------------------------

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
-Henny Youngman
-----------------------------------------------------------------

After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you."
The husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."
---------------------------------

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
---------------------------------------------------------------

I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her.
----------------------------------------------------------

My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate.
So I got myself two girlfriends.
---------------------------------------------------------

A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it since the thief was spending much less than his wife did.
-------------------------------------------------------

Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.
----------------------------------------------------------

A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"
The father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."
----------------------------------------------------------

Young Son: Is it true, Dad, that in some parts of Africa, a Man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?
Dad: That happens in every country, son.
---------------------------------------------------------

Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; then it was too late.
----------------------------------------------------------

A man placed an ad in the classifieds: "Wife wanted."
The next day he received a hundred letters.
They all said the same: "You can have mine."
--------------------------------------------------------

A woman was telling her friend, "I made my husband a millionaire."
"And what was he before you married him?" asked the friend.
"A billionaire." she replied,
----------------------------------------------------------

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
----------------------------------------------------------

It's not true that married men live longer than single men.
It only seems longer.
----------------------------------------------------------

Losing a wife can be very hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.
------------------------------------------------------

Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life Thinking they had no faults at all.
-----------------------------------------
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
----------------------------------------------------------

A man meets a genie. The genie tells him he can ask for whatever he wants,
But his mother-in-law gets double of what he gets.
The man thinks for a moment and says,"Okay, give me a million dollars and beat me till I'm half dead."
---------------------------------------------------------

Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage.
They've experienced pain and bought jewellery.
----------------------------------------------------------

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.

[Flowergirl]

You are a brave man Andy. :twisted:

[Flowergirl]

Angus Broom of Glasgow comes to the little lady of the house exclaiming, "Maggie, cud ya be sewin on a wee button that's come off of me fly? I canna button me pants."
"Oh Angus ... I've got me hands in the dishpan, go up the stairs and see if Mrs. MacDonald could be helpin ya with it."
About 5 minutes later there's a terrible crash, a bang, a bit of yelling and the sound of a body falling doon the stairs.
Walking back in the door with a blackened eye and a y nose comes Angus.
The little lady looks at him and says, "My god, what happened to ya?? Did you ask her like I told you?"
"Aye," says Angus. "I asked her to sew on the wee button an she did. Everything was goin fine, but when she bent doon to bite off the wee thread, Mr. MacDonald walked in.

[AndyP]

You are a brave man Andy. :twisted:
FG, some of the nicest people I know are women, unfortunately my wife is not one of them.

[jimandr]

I'll be very surprised if most haven't heard this before, but as it is very timely, and doesn't appear in the 11 pages of this thread, here we go :)

Miike and Courty set out on a typically stormy FNQ day for quick nine holes before the storm hits.

God sees them, sends down a few warning lightning bolts, but they pay no notice.

Both are lining up their eagle putts on the par 5 when God decides he's had enough, and sends the ultimate message.

The devil is very pleased to see them, and shows them straight to their work area. Sledgehammers, rocks, 35 degrees and 90% humidity, you know the drill. 'I'll check on you tomorrow to see how you've settled in" . "Bye"

Tomorrow becomes today, and Mr Devil sees Courty and Miike whistling and chatting away and checking their grips on the handles of the sledgehammers. "how are you going boys?" "It's not as bad as we thought, a bit of hard work never hurt anyone" "I need to lose a few pounds" says Courty.

"What about the heat"? "We're from FNQ, when does it get hot down here?"

The Devil thinks about it a bit, decides to make it a bit harder, turns the rocks into hard quartz, the heat to 40 degrees and 100% humidity.

The next day, Courty and Miike have smashed the quartz into sand, and are practising their bunker play, whistling all the while. "Well boys, you don't seem to fit the mould of the typical resident here, most don't like the heat". "we're from FNQ, we like the heat"

The Devil thinks about this, and decides the only thing is to make it cold, real cold. After all, they are from FNQ.

The next day, the Devil visits again, only to see Courty and Miike singing and dancing and hugging each other as if they've won the lottery. The Devil can't take it any longer. "I turned up the heat, and you liked it. I made it freezing cold, and you're happier than ever. I thought you'd hate the cold."

" We hate the cold. We really hate the cold. But Hell Has Frozen Over. That means the FNQ Cowboys have won the Premiership :lol: :lol: "

[AndyP]

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she lay her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, your pet has passed away."

The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure? "Yes, I'm sure. The duck is dead," he replied. "How can you be so sure", she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom.

He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog and took it out and returned a few moments later with a beautiful cat.

The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed the bird from its beak to its tail and back again. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly, jumped down and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck." Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys, and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried. "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead?!!"

The vet shrugged. " If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20. But what with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it all adds up!"

[Flowergirl]

Nice one AndyP :D

[Flowergirl]

A former prostitute with a rather well-used vagina that has been somewhat stretched is given a proposal of marriage by a man she meets in a bar one night. She thinks it over, and she decides to accept his proposal. Her private parts are somewhat oversized from her former occupation, but she decides to approach the problem after they are married. On their wedding night, she explains the problem by saying that when she was a small child, she got her privates caught on some barbed wire while climbing over a fence, which explains why her vagina is so big. They make wild and passionate love for most of the night, and in the early hours of the morning, her husband, after regaining his breath, turns to her and says, "I can understand your private parts being stretched by this barbed wire, my dear, but just HOW far across the field were you before you noticed?" :shock:

[Flowergirl]

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey.

He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey starts jumping all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" The guy says, "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!" says the bartender.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He eats everything in sight, the little jerk. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves.

Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is drinking, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.

The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" "Now what?" asks the patron. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!" says the barkeeper. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron.

"He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that cue ball he measures everything first!"

It's funny how I think things are funny after a few glasses of red :shock:

[Trung]

Three blokes were sitting together skiting about how they had given their new wives duties.

The first man had married a woman from Pakistan, and said that he had told his wife she now had to do all the dishes and house cleaning that needed done at their house. He said that it took a couple days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were all washed and put away. :P

The second man had married a woman from Korea. He told them that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the cooking. He said that the first day he didn't see any results, but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done, and he had a huge dinner on the table. :P

The third man had married an British girl. He boasted that he told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye. :oops:

[markTHEblake]

This month is the start of the football(Aussie Rules) season. A good time
to revisit the classic comments of WA's own Dennis Commetti...

"Bell bringing the ball out of the back line..... looking for wide
runners..... passes to Walker... a contradiction in terms, really"

"The goal square's full of Bears, looks like we've got ourselves a convoy"

"The umpire's done himself a mischief"

"Scotty Cummings alone in the square, jumping up and down and waving his
arms like they're playing My Sharona"

"Ugle playing on Peter Matera, fumbling around for the ball and probably his
autograph book..."

"A couple of big touches from Clive Waterhouse, who was battling up until
about 5 minutes ago, in danger of becoming Clive Waterboy."

Dermott: And the ball spills free to Kickett...
Cometti: Troy Cook you mean?
Dermott: Yes.. well, they do look rather alike.
Cometti: How so Dermott?
Dermott: (realising that sounded rather racist.) Umm, well, they are both..
er..
Cometti: .. Midfielders, yes Dermott.

After the Mcmanus/Wirrpunda clash a few derbies back. 'Shaun goes back to
collect the ball, a free kick, and several teeth.'

COMETTI versus fellow commentator Gerrard Healy:
Healy: 'Word is this guy is the most reliable kick for goal in the side. They
say down at Collingwood if you had to have someone kicking for your life,
Tarkyn Lockyer would be the man.'
Commetti: 'Id prefer my mum'
(silence)
Commetti: 'Not a great footballer, but at least she'd care.'


"Ashley McIntosh, like a good hair spray... capable of a subtle hold"

"Barlow to Bateman, the Hawks are attacking alphabetically"

"The Magpies ought to be kicking themselves right now, but with their luck,
they'd probably miss."

"Carl Steinfort looking more like Robert Walls than Robert Walls"

Commetti: "McVeigh, bobbing like a cork in the ocean" [Cue applause from all
in the Nine box, as it was the debut "cork in the ocean" call for the
season]
Commetti: "Well, it was cork material?"

"The only change to the Eagles side is that Rowan Jones has had a haircut"

"Farmer may have an injury to his calf........ hmmm, a farmer with a calf
problem."

"Parker to Carr...... sounds like a match made in heaven!"

After Lloyd gives Wakelin a little slap on ANZAC Day: "Whoaa, there will be
a duel at 5 oclock."

Dennis: "Dear shoots? wait on the goal umpire? behind. A wry smile there
from the goal umpire, certainly a sense of the dramatic."
Don Scott: "He's the danger man, Dennis."
Dennis: "Who? The goal umpire?"
Don: "No, Dear. Paul Dear."
Dennis: "Brennan kicks out to the outer side, straight to Paul Dear - you're
uncanny Don."

Dennis: King to Ling
Dermott: Just forward of the wing
Dennis: Don't you start!

"It's a goal! A dream start for Hawthorn. Spider had both his legs taken out
from under him - leaving only the other six to balance on....."

Stewart Dew kicks for goal early in the first: "He was brought here to do
exactly that..(pause)... actually 5 more than that, he kicks a behind."

On former Magpie, Crow and now Cat, Brenton Sanderson: "He goes much better
as a mammal"

On Corey McKernan's poor form: "He's like a long jumper who can't reach the
sand."

"I love that surname Fixter. Sounds like something from a Batman movie -The
Fixter? but I digress..."

"There's talk of Karl Langdon offering his services to St Kilda, as if it
wasn't bad enough being in 15th position"

Last night when Richmond kicked up the middle towards Ray Hall:"Richmond
attack through the corridor in this case the Hall."

"Brown..... down to Jones.... all we need now is Smith"

Tony Liberatore had just gone into a pack as he is wont to do and come out
with blood gushing from his eye: "Libba went into the pack optimistically
and came out misty optically."

Dennis, after describing the second of 2 easy dropped marks says,
"the Tale of Two Sitters".

When Mark went up for a mark: "... and the Mercuri is rising..."

Dermie: "Why do you suppose he went side on to take the mark?" Dennis:
"He probably was trying to impress the Russian judge."

"Richardson contests the ruck.... without much conviction. Well, he may be
the best player on their list........ well, certainly Matthew thinks he's
the best player on their list at the moment...... mind you, that's a bit
like being the best Centre Half Forward in Czechoslovakia....."

"Almost a touch of synchronised swimming about that mark..... minus the
peg..."

"Ball in dispute, Lamb, now Yze the meat in the sandwich Really Lamb should
be in the sandwich."

"If it was a set play, they copied it from a Portugese bus time-table"

"How do you beat Rehn? Where's Stimpy???"

"Great stuff by Caracella - moments before McIntosh had treated him like a
rent-a- car".

After Darren Gaspar hits the post from 40 metres out: "Gaspar, the
unfriendly post"

[Flowergirl]

Good ones there Blakey............I haven't seen them before. :D

[990B Luva]

From Tibs on BSG:
A man wakes up one morning to find a gorilla on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Gorilla Removers". He calls the number, and the gorilla remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes.



The gorilla remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull. "What are you going to do," the homeowner asks?



"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock the gorilla off the roof with this baseball bat.



When the gorilla falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The gorilla will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."



He hands the shotgun to the homeowner.



"What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.



"If the gorilla knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog"

Also from Tibs:
CNN is reporting that Lance Armstrong may be stripped of his 6th Tour de
France title. In a random check for banned substances, 3 were found in Armstrong's
hotel room. The 3 substances banned by the French, that were found in his hotel room were as follows:

(1) Toothpaste
(2) Deodorant
(3) Soap

The French officials also found several other items which they had never seen before including a testicle and a backbone

[Jarro]

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to
spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me
wife!"
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best
toast of the night! He went home and told his wife,
Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the
night."
She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"
John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life,
sitting in church beside me wife."
Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking
buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled
leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other
night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary." She
said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised
meself. You know, he's only been there twice in the
last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other
time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."

[sominc]

i like that one jarro :smt046

[AndyP]

Dear Alcohol,

First & foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours. As my friend, you always seem to be there when needed. The perfect post-work cocktail, a beer at the game, and you're even around in the holidays, hidden
inside chocolates as you warm us when we're stuck in the midst of endless family gatherings. However, lately I've been wondering about your intentions. While I want to believe that you have my best interests at heart, I feel that your influence has led to some unwise consequences:

1. Phone calls: While I agree with you that communication is important, I question the suggestion that any conversation of substance or necessity takes place after 2 a.m. Why would you make me call those
ex-boyfriends/girlfriends when I know for a fact they do not want to hear from me during the day, let alone all hours of the night?

2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal, but why do you suggest that I eat a kebab, a butter chicken curry along with a sausage with cheese, onion and mustard (washed down with WINE & topped off with a Kit Kat after a few
sweet chilli and sour cream red rock chips)? I'm an eclectic eater, but I think you went too far this time.

3. Clumsiness: Unless you're subtly trying to tell me that I need to do more yoga to improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer the issue home by causing me to fall down. It's completely unnecessary, and the black & blue
marks that appear on my body mysteriously the next day are beyond me. Similarly, it should never take me more than 45 seconds to get the front door key into the lock.

4. Furthermore: The hangovers have GOT to stop. This is getting ridiculous. I know a little penance for our previous evening's debauchery may be in order, but the 3pm hangover immobility is completely unacceptable. My entire
day is shot. I ask that, if the proper precautions are taken (water, vitamin B, bread products, aspirin)prior to going to sleep/passing out face down on the kitchen floor with a bag of popcorn, the hangover should be minimal & in
no way interfere with my daily activities.

Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now & would like to ensure that we remain on good terms. You've been the invoker of great stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the needed companion when I
just don't know what to do with the extra money in my pockets. In order to continue this friendship, I ask that you carefully review my grievances above & address them immediately. I will look for an answer no later than Thursday 3pm (pre-happy hour) on your possible solutions & hopefully we can continue this fruitful partnership.

Thank you,
Your biggest fan

P.S.
THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Specificity
2. British Constitution
3. Passive-aggressive disorder

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
2. Nope, no more beer for me.
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
5. Oh, I couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing

[AndyP]

An 80-year-old man from Bentonville, went to his doctor for his annual check-up. The doctor asks him how he's feeling. The 80-year-old says, "I've never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"

The doctor considers his question for a minute and then begins. "I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid trophy hunter and never misses a season. One day, when he was going out hunting, he was in a bit of a
hurry and accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun. When he got to the creek, he saw a prime beaver sitting beside the stream of water.

He raised his cane and went 'bang, bang'.

Suddenly, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. What do you think of that?"

The 80-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."

The doctor replied, "My point exactly!

[Ducky]

GOLD!

[Onewood]

http://img260.echo.cx/img260/1950/quitcomplainingaboutyourj30ub.jpg

Onewood and Blakey working away :lol:

[AndyP]

A male whale and a female whale are swimming off the coast of Japan, when
they notice a whaling ship.The male whale recognises it as the same ship
that had harpooned his father many years earlier.

He says to the female whale, 'Let's both swim under the ship and blow out of
our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and
sink.'

They try it and sure enough, the ship turns over and quickly sinks.

Soon however, the whales realise that the sailors have jumped overboard and
are swimming to the safety of the shore. The male is enraged that they are
going to get away and says to the female, 'Let's swim after them and gobble
them up before they reach the shore.'

But the female is reluctant to follow him.

'Look,' she says, 'I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse
to swallow the seamen.'

[Flowergirl]

Good one AndyP :D

[990B Luva]

An Australian man was having coffee and croissants with butter and jam
in a cafe when an American tourist, chewing gum, sat down next to him.
The Australian politely ignored the American, who, nevertheless,
started up a conversation.

The American snapped his gum and said, "You Australian folk eat the
whole bread?"
The Australian frowned, annoyed with being bothered during his breakfast,
and replied, "Of course."
The American blew a huge bubble. "We don't. In the States, we only eat
what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle them,
transform them into croissants and sell them to Australia."
The American had a smirk on his face.
The Australian listened in silence.

The American persisted. "D'ya eat jam with the bread?"
Sighing, the Australian replied, "Of course."
Cracking his gum between his teeth, the American said, "We don't. In
the States, we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels,
seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam and
sell it to Australia."

The Australian then asked, "Do you have sex in the States?"
The American smiled and said, "Why of course we do."
The Australian leaned closer to him and asked, "And what do you do with
the condoms once you've used them?"
"We throw them away, of course."
Now it was the Australian's turn to smile.
"We don't. In Australia, we put them in a container, recycle them, melt
them down into chewing gum and sell them to the United States. Why do
you think it's called Wrigley's?"

[wavemaker]

Two blokes were playing golf and one wanted a smoke. He asked his mate for a light who produced a 12 inch BIC lighter. "Jayzus" says old mate," where did you get that." " From my geenie" comes the reply." You have a geenie? giz alook at him!" " In the bag there mate." Sure enough there is a geenie sitting in the golf bag. Old mate says," I'm your masters best mate, would you grant me a wish?" The geenie gives him the nod and says" what do you want?" " A million bucks" he gleefully answers. The geenie disappears into the bag and next thing the sky grows dark and the air fills with the sound of a million ducks flying over head. Old mate is shattered, "has he got a hearing problem or something, I asked for a million bucks". His mate just shrugs and looks at him and says, "you don't really think I asked him for a 12 inch BIC do you?"

[markTHEblake]

Good one wavey.  Thats kinda like the one with the guy walks into a bar with a 1 foot tall bloke and a cat.  to cut a long story short the Cat never shouts when its his turn and the 1 foot tall bloke abuses everone constantly.  

Apparantely he was on a desert island, found a genie in a bottle and asked for a 12 inch pr1ck and a tight pussy.

[Flowergirl]

It was a beautiful, warm spring morning. A man and his wife were spending the day at the zoo. She was wearing a loose-fitting, pink dress - sleeveless with straps. He was wearing his usual jeans and T-shirt.

As they walked through the ape exhibit, they passed in front of a large, silverback gorilla. Noticing the wife, the gorilla went crazy. He jumped on the bars, and holding on with one hand and 2 feet, he grunted and pounded his chest with his free hand. He was obviously excited at the pretty lady in the pink dress.

The husband, noticing the excitement had thought that this was funny. He suggested that his wife tease the poor fellow some more by puckering her lips and wiggling her bottom. She played along and the gorilla got even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead.

Then the husband suggested that she let one of her straps fall to show a little more skin. She did, and the gorilla was about to tear the bars down. "Now show your thighs and sort of fan your dress at him," he said. This drove the gorilla absolutely crazy, and he started doing flips.

Then the husband grabbed his wife, ripped open the door to the cage, flung her in with the gorilla and slammed the cage door shut. "Now, tell HIM that you have a headache!”

[Flowergirl]

The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep. Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says,
"Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see?"
The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars."
"What that tell you?" asked Tonto.
The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, "Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What's it tell you, Tonto?"
Tonto is silent for a moment, then says, "Kemo Sabe, you dumber then buffalo shit. Someone has stolen tent."

[markTHEblake]

After numerous rounds of: "We don't even know if Osama is still alive",
Osama himself decided to send George Bush a letter in his own handwriting
to let him know he was still in the game. Bush opened the letter and it
appeared to contain a coded message:

370HSSV-0773H

Bush was baffled, so he e-mailed it to Colin Powell. Colin and his aides
had no clue either so they sent it to the FBI. No one could solve it so
it went to the CIA, then to the NASA, then to the Secret Service. With no
clue as to its meaning, they eventually asked Australias ASIO for help.

ASIO cabled the White House:

Tell the President he is holding the letter upside down!

[mike]

Two sausages are in a frying pan.

One sausage says "Gee, it's hot in here. "

The other sausage says, "Holy crap...a talking sausage" :D

My son brought this one home from school today. I thought it was funny. No idea why.

[markTHEblake]

My son brought this one home from school today.

did you belt the living daylights out of him for saying crap?

[markTHEblake]

pathetic attempt at what? If my kids had said that I would have belted them too.

You deserve to be slapped for giving us the 2nd oldest golf joke ever. Surely you can come up with something new.

[Bruce]

Someone tried to talk me into running a marathon.

I said "No way - it's too far, I'm too fat. Just too hard"

They told me it was for the blind and spastics.

I thought -"***it then. I might be able to win."

[AndyP]

A man walks into the bedroom with a sheep under his arm, his wife is
lying in bed reading.

Man says, "This is the pig I have sex with when you've got a headache."

Wife replies, "I think you'll find, that is a sheep."

Man replies, "I think you'll find I was talking to the sheep."

[Flowergirl]

Gee Andyp........I think this censoring caper has got a bit out of hand. Since when does sex have to be s*x!!!!!!
Good joke though :D

[AndyP]

Gee Andyp........I think this censoring caper has got a bit out of hand. Since when does sex have to be s*x!!!!!!
Good joke though :D
Oops. Someone probably sent it to me like that to make sure it got through the work email filters.

[wavemaker]

John was in the fertilized egg business.
He had several hundred young layers called pullets and eight or ten roosters, whose job was to make sure the eggs were fertile.
John kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced.
That took an awful lot of John's time so John got a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters.
Each bell had a different tone so John could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing.
Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.
John's favourite rooster was old Butch, a very fine specimen he was, too.
But on this particular morning John noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all! John went to investigate.
The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing.
The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.
BUT, to John's amazement, Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.

John was so proud of Butch, he entered him in the county fair... and Butch became an overnight sensation among the judges.
The result...
The judges not only awarded Butch the "No Bell Piece Prize" but they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well.

Clearly Butch was a Politician.
Who else could figure out how to win two of the most politically biased awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them.

[Flowergirl]

very clever wavey!!! No bell- ha- insert belly laugh here - ha :D

[Onewood]

There was a man who had worked all his life, had saved all of his money, and
was a real miser when it came to his money. Just before he died, he said to
his wife,

"When I die. I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with
me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me."

And so he got his wife to promise him with all her heart that when he died,
she would put all of the money in the casket with him.

Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket; his wife was sitting
there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her.

When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to
close the casket, the wife said,

"Wait just a minute!"

She had a box with her; she came over with the box and put it in the casket.
Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and then rolled it away.

So her friend said, "Girl, I know you weren't fool enough to put all that
money in there with your husband."

The loyal wife replied, "Listen, I'm a Christian, I can't go back on my
word. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with
him."

"You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!!!!?"

"I sure did" said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my account
and wrote him a cheque. If he cash it, he can spend it."

[AndyP]

Not a joke, but not worth having a new thread, and amusing nevertheless.

How smart is Your Right Foot?

This will boggle your mind. And you will keep trying to see if you can outsmart your foot, but you can't.

1. While sitting down, lift your right foot off the floor and make clockwise circles.

2. Now, while doing this, draw the number "6" in the air with your right hand.

Your foot will change direction. I told you so ......And there's nothing you can do about it!

Come on, you stupid foot, go clockwise. ](*,) :mrgreen:

[markTHEblake]

nope mine didnt....... yes it did, buggar i couldnt even do the six properly.

[Flowergirl]

WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?


Plato: For the greater good.

Karl Marx: It was a historical inevitability.

Machiavelli: So that its subjects will view it with admiration,
as a chicken which has the daring and courage to
boldly cross the road, but also with fear, for whom
among them has the strength to contend with such a
paragon of avian virtue? In such a manner is the
princely chicken's dominion maintained.

Hippocrates: Because of an excess of light pink gooey stuff in its
pancreas.

Jacques Derrida: Any number of contending discourses may be discovered
within the act of the chicken crossing the road, and
each interpretation is equally valid as the authorial
intent can never be discerned, because structuralism
is DEAD, DAMMIT, DEAD!

Thomas de Torquemada: Give me ten minutes with the chicken and I'll find out.

Timothy Leary: Because that's the only kind of trip the Establishment
would let it take.

Douglas Adams: Forty-two.

Nietzsche: Because if you gaze too long across the Road, the Road
gazes also across you.

Oliver North: National Security was at stake.

B.F. Skinner: Because the external influences which had pervaded its
sensorium from birth had caused it to develop in such a
fashion that it would tend to cross roads, even while
believing these actions to be of its own free will.

Carl Jung: The confluence of events in the cultural gestalt
necessitated that individual chickens cross roads at
this historical juncture, and therefore
synchronicitously brought such occurrences into being.

Jean-Paul Sartre: In order to act in good faith and be true to itself,
the chicken found it necessary to cross the road.

Ludwig Wittgenstein: The possibility of "crossing" was encoded into the
objects "chicken" and "road", and circumstances came
into being which caused the actualization of this
potential occurrence.

Albert Einstein: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road crossed
the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.

Aristotle: To actualize its potential.

Buddha: If you ask this question, you deny your own chicken-
nature.

Howard Cosell: It may very well have been one of the most astonishing
events to grace the annals of history. An historic,
unprecedented avian biped with the temerity to attempt
such an herculean achievement formerly relegated to
homo sapien pedestrians is truly a remarkable occurence.

Salvador Dali: The Fish.

Darwin: It was the logical next step after coming down from
the trees.

Emily Dickinson: Because it could not stop for death.

Epicurus: For fun.

Ralph Waldo Emerson: It didn't cross the road; it transcended it.

Johann von Goethe: The eternal hen-principle made it do it.

Ernest Hemingway: To die. In the rain.

Werner Heisenberg: We are not sure which side of the road the chicken
was on, but it was moving very fast.

David Hume: Out of custom and habit.

Jack Nicholson: 'Cause it (censored) wanted to. That's the (censored)
reason.

Pyrrho the Skeptic: What road?

Ronald Reagan: I forget.

John Sununu: The Air Force was only too happy to provide the
transportation, so quite understandably the chicken
availed himself of the opportunity.

The Sphinx: You tell me.

Mr. T: If you saw me coming you'd cross the road too!

Henry David Thoreau: To live deliberately ... and suck all the marrow
out of life.

Mark Twain: The news of its crossing has been greatly exaggerated.

Molly Yard: It was a hen!

Zeno of Elea: To prove it could never reach the other side.

Chaucer: So priketh hem nature in hir corages.

Wordsworth: To wander lonely as a cloud.

The Godfather: I didn't want its mother to see it like that.

Keats: Philosophy will clip a chicken's wings.

Blake: To see heaven in a wild fowl.

Othello: Jealousy.

Dr Johnson: Sir, had you known the Chicken for as long as I have,
you would not so readily enquire, but feel rather the
Need to resist such a public Display of your own
lamentable and incorrigible Ignorance.

Mrs Thatcher: This chicken's not for turning.

Supreme Soviet: There has never been a chicken in this photograph.

Oscar Wilde: Why, indeed? One's social engagements whilst in
town ought never expose one to such barbarous
inconvenience - although, perhaps, if one must cross a
road, one may do far worse than to cross it as the
chicken in question.

Kafka: Hardly the most urgent enquiry to make of a low-grade
insurance clerk who woke up that morning as a hen.

Swift: It is, of course, inevitable that such a loathsome,
filth-ridden and degraded creature as Man should assume
to question the actions of one in all respects his
superior.

Macbeth: To have turned back were as tedious as to go o'er.

Whitehead: Clearly, having fallen victim to the fallacy of
misplaced concreteness.

Freud: An die andere Seite zu kommen. (Much laughter)

Hamlet: That is not the question.

Donne: It crosseth for thee.

Pope: It was mimicking my Lord Hervey.

Constable: To get a better view.

[drunken]

Mr. T: If you saw me coming you'd cross the road too! FOOOL!!!

[Flowergirl]

A husband and wife decided they needed to use "code" words to indicate that they wanted to have sex without letting their children in on it. They decided on the word "Typewriter."
One day the husband told his five year old daughter, "Go tell your mommy that daddy needs to type a letter."
The child told her mother what her dad said, and her mom responded, "Tell your daddy that he can't type a letter right now cause there is a red ribbon in the typewriter." The child went back to tell her father what mommy said.
A few days later the mom told the daughter, "Tell daddy that he can type that letter now."
The child told her father, returned to her mother and announced, "Daddy said never mind with the typewriter, he already wrote the letter by hand."

[andylo]

WAAAAAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA!!! Now I need to run to somewhere to SCREAM my laugh!!! :lol: :lol: :lol:

[markTHEblake]

Miss 8 came out into the garden and asked her Dad "whats Sex"

Dad is shocked and initially started to try and fob it off, but in the end decided that it would be best to tell her all about it, rather than have her find out at school.

So he started off with basic reproduction, then threw in sex, oral sex, then he got on a roll, and covered, masturbation, homosexuality, jarro, S&M and finally bestiality.

WHen he finished, he asked her how was all that and she just gave him a a bemused sort of look.

So Dad asked :"why did you decide to ask me about Sex anyway"

Miss 8 just said "well mummy said to tell you that lunch will be ready in a few sec's"

[AndyP]

Every day, a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady standing at the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice.

After a week of this, she can't stand it anymore, takes her complaint to a supervisor in the personnel department and asks to file a sexual harassment grievance against him.

The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled and asks, "What's sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?"

The woman replies, "It's Keith, the midget."

:lol:

[AndyP]

A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, "Wanna hear a blonde joke?"

In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something."

Our bartender is blonde, and the bouncer is blonde. I'm a 6ft tall, 200 pound black belt. The guy sitting next to me is 6ft2, weighs 225, and he's a rugby player. The fella to your right is 6ft5 pushing 300 and he's a wrestler. Each one of us is blonde.
Think about it, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

[Flowergirl]

As we age, our priorities change . The other day John came home and I greeted him dressed only in very sexy underwear and holding a couple of short velvet ropes.
"Tie me up," I purred, "and you can do anything you want."
So, he tied me up and went golfing.

:evil:

[markTHEblake]

Are you positive he wasnt late for golf?

[AndyP]

Four guys are driving cross-country together - one from South Australia, one from Tassie, one from Queensland, and the last one is from Victoria.

A bit down the road the man from Tassie starts to pull apples from his bag and throws them out the window.

The man from South Australia turns to him and asks, "What the hell are you doing?"

The man from Tassie says, "Mate, we have so many of these damned things in Tassie they're lying around on the ground. I'm sick of looking at them!"

A few miles down the road, the man from South Australia begins pulling bottles of wine from his bag and throwing them out the window.

The man from Queensland asks "What are you doing that for?"

The South Australian replies, "Man, we have so much of this damn stuff in South Australia I'm sick of looking at them!"

Inspired by the others, the man from Queensland opens the car door and pushes out the Victorian.

:evil:

[markTHEblake]

Did you know that when Victorians visit the gold coast they bring one pair of undies and a $20 note and dont change either

[Flowergirl]

Did you know that when Victorians visit the gold coast they bring one pair of undies and a $20 note and dont change either

Yea Blakey.........I see you post this one when you knew I was away. Coward :evil: :wink:

[990B Luva]

Jarro was sitting in the bar at Nudgee, when Jamie walks in, as he passes Jarro, he hits him on the neck knocking him to the floor. Jamie says: "Thats a Karate Chop - from Korea". Jarro gets back on his barstool and resumes drinking his beer. Jamie gets up to go to the loo', and as he walks by Jarro he hits him on the other side of the neck and knocks him too the floor. Jamie says "Thats a Judo Chop - from Japan". Jarro, deciding hes had enough leaves. Half an Hour later he returns to the bar to see Jamie sitting at the bar. Jarro walks up behind him, and with one blow to the head, Jarro K.O's him, he turns to the bartender and says "When he comes to, tell himm that was a Crowbar from Bunnings"

[Keza_G]

I dunno if this has been done yet but here goes my attempt at a joke...

A man walks up to a woman in the street and says "How old are your twins ?" She replies "the girl is 12 and the boy is 7, Why would you think they were twins ?" the man replies.. "Because I can't believe someone would F#*k you twice"........

cheers

Keza

[Flowergirl]

Choice Keza....choice :shock: ( but bloody funny)

[AndyP]

A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening around 8:00 pm. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home.

"Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house.

"Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until eight o'clock."

The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!".

[Keza_G]

A bloke walks into a barber shop for a shave. the man complained that he had nver been able to get a close shave in the cheek area. The barber said.." I have just the thing" nd produced a small round wooden ball "Put this between your cheek and gum while I shave you". the bloke did and got the closest shave he had ever had. "WOW the ball is great but what happens if I swallow it ?" "No problem" replied the barber."just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does"

:smt078 :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

Cheers

Keza

[andylo]

A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening around 8:00 pm. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home.

"Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house.

"Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until eight o'clock."

The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!".


That might work for me... :?

[Keza_G]

Whay alo ? Do you have a secret secertary....... :wink: :wink:

Cheers

Keza

[andylo]

yes... 8 of them.... in my dream.... :)

But for some reason, they all look like MP32.... :lol:

[Trung]

A-LO.... :lol:

[markTHEblake]

A New Zealander, a sheep and a dog were survivors of a terrible shipwreck. They found themselves stranded on an unhabited island.

After being there for awhile, they got into the habit of going to the beach every evening to watch the sun go down. One particular evening the sky was red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle; a perfect night for romance.

As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the Kiwi. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it. The dog got
jealous, growling fiercely until the Kiwi took his arm from around the sheep. After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together but there was no more cuddling.

A few weeks passed, and lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful the Kiwi had ever seen. She was in a pretty bad way when they rescued her, and they slowly nursed her back to health.

When the young maiden was well enough, they introduced her to the evening ritual. It was another beautiful evening, red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze; perfect for a night of romance.

Pretty soon, the Kiwi started to get "those feelings" again. He fought them as long as he could, but he finally gave in and leaned over to the young woman cautiously and whispered in her ear....

"Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?"

[markTHEblake]

Because He can

The golf HO was watching TV with the Mrs and the Dog.   He noticed that the Dog was licking his balls.  The forever dreaming of something better HO says to the Mrs "I wish I could do that" (obviously intimating that she used to do it for him)

Mrs Ho replies "well he is not a very vicious dog, if you give him a biscuit he will probably let you"

[Keza_G]

50,000 Kiwis met in Eden Park Stadium for a 'Kiwis Are NOT Stupid' convention.

PM Helen Clark said, "We are all here today to prove to the world thet Kiwis are not stupid. Ken I hev a volunteer?"

Bill worked his way through the crowd and stepped up to the podium.

Helen asked him, "Bill what uz fufteen plus fufteen?" Bill thought about this for a while and said "Eighteen!"

Great disappointment. Then 50,000 Kiwis started chanting, "Guv him another chance! Guv him another chance!"

Helen said, "Well, sunce we've gone to the trouble of gitting 50,000 of you un one place, end we have the world Priss end global broadcast media here, I thunk we ken guv hum another chance. So, Bill: what is sivven plus sivven?"

After a long pause, Bill said "Nineteen!"

Helen is perplexed and dejected; Bill starts to weep - but the 50,000 Kiwis wave their hands and chant, "Guv him another chance! Guv him another chance!"

"OK, OK," said Helen. "One last chance. Bill, what uz two plus two?"

Bill closed his eyes and, after what seemed an eternity, said "Four!"

Pandemonium broke out in the stadium as all 50,000 Kiwis jumped to their feet and screamed, "Guv him another chance! Guv him another chance!

[markTHEblake]

http://www.softlab.ece.ntua.gr/~sivann/pub/swf/may02-smilepop-soapbox4.swf

[cazandpaul]

Punter is leading the Aussies out on to Lords for the first test when he notices a weird bulge on Warnie's arm under his shirt.

Thinking it's just a bit bandage to keep his arm warm prior to bowling he doesn't worry and goes about the business of demolishing the Pom's early order with McGrath, Lee and co.

Finally it's time for Warnie to have a bowl and as he hitches his shirt sleeve up Punter notices the bulge is actually a pair of women's panties.

Punter is really confused and confronts Warnie for an explanation - he looks around nervously and says - it's a patch as I'm trying to give them up.

[Flowergirl]

Survey of 500 women asked the question - "would you sleep with Shane Warne ". 498 said never again.

[AndyP]

In the beginning God created Eve. And she had 3 breasts.
After three weeks in the garden, God came to visit Eve.
"How're things, Eve?" He asked.
"It is all so beautiful, God," she replied.
"The sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking, the smells, the sights,
everything is wonderful but I just have this one problem. It's these three
breasts you've given me. The middle one pushes the other two out, and I am
constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on branches, snagging
them on bushes, they're a real pain," reported Eve.

"That's a fair point," replied God, "but it was my first shot at that you
know. I gave the animals, what, six? So I just figured you'd need half, but
I see that you are right. I'll fix that up right away!"

So, God reaches down and removes the middle breast, tossing it into the
bushes. Three weeks passed, and God once again visited Eve in the garden.
"Well, Eve, how's my favorite creation?" He asked. "Just fantastic," she
replied, "but for one small oversight on your part.

You see, all the animals are paired off.
The ewe has her ram, the cow has her bull, all the animals have a mate,
except me. I feel so alone." God thought for a moment. "You know, Eve,
you're right. How could I have overlooked this! You do need a mate and I
will immediately create Man from a part of you!"


"Now, let's see ....... where did I put that useless tit?"

[andylo]

Oi. According to bible Adam has been make 1st and then woman is made from Adam's rib bone at later stage!! :p

[cazandpaul]

Alo - don't let the facts get in the way of a good story :D

[Flowergirl]

AndyP walks into a bar and sees his friend Jarro slumped over the bar. He walks over and asks Jarro what's wrong.
"Well," replies Jarro, "You know that beautiful girl at work that I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?"
"Yes," replies AndyP with a laugh.
"Well," says Jarro, straightening up, "I finally worked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed."
"That's great!" says AndyP, "When are you going out?"
"I went to meet her this evening," continues Jarro, "but I was worried I'd get an erection again. So I got some duct tape and taped "it" to my leg, so if I did, it wouldn't show".
"Sensible" says AndyP
"So I get to her door," says Jarro, "and I rang her doorbell. She answered it in the sheerest, sexiest, dress you ever saw."
"And what happened then?"
"I kicked her in the face."

[andylo]

Alo - don't let the facts get in the way of a good story :D

Sorry :D

FG... good story.... but isn't that sexy girl gotta be... hmm... about the same height as jarro as if not... it will be to the tits instead :lol:


(sorry jarro :p :D)

[Flowergirl]

Story of your life - in golf and out - you think too much Andylo :D

[andylo]

I guess I am ;) :lol:

[AndyP]

Dave works hard at the office and spends most evenings bowling or playing basketball at the gym.
His wife thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin?"
His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.
"Oh no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.
His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, "How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"
"She's in the Ladies' Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them."

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, starts to rub herself all over him and says "Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"
Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab.
Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.
Dave tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it.
She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every cuss word in the book.

The cabby turns around and says, "Geez Dave, you picked up a real b_t_h this time".

[Flowergirl]

A retired gentleman went to the social security office to apply for Social Security.

The woman behind the counter asked him for his driver's license to verify his age. He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home. He told the woman that he was very sorry but he seemed to have left his wallet at home. "I will have to go home and come back later." The woman says, "Unbutton your shirt." So he opens his shirt revealing curly silver hair. She says, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me" and she processed his Social Security application.

When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife about his experience at the social security office. She says, "You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too."

[markTHEblake]

Riddle:   Which Ozgolfer is this?

http://img50.imageshack.us/img50/4625/pic039024uq.jpg

Answer:  All of us.

[Flowergirl]

A brunette, a redhead and a blonde are in a breast stroke race. The starter's gun goes off and the three girls dive into the pool. The brunette and the redhead shoot across the pool and get out. 20 minutes later the blonde reaches the end and gets out. The judge says, "The gold medal goes to the brunette, the silver medal goes to the redhead, and the bronze goes to the blonde." The blonde says, "I don't want to be a sore loser, but I think the other girls were using their arms."

[Flowergirl]

Hey G69......looks like you and i have the same source of jokes. Can I post the bumblebee one? :wink:

[Flowergirl]

now your scaring me - but I'm excited at the same time :shock:

[oz]

It's de ja vu... all over again :lol:

[oz]

:lol: yeah, they say timing is everything... :lol:

[andylo]

Cindy and Karen had decided they needed a weekly girl's night out from their husbands. Wednesday had been working fine until one evening they both got very drunk.

Walking home past the local graveyard, they both had to pee. Cindy was wearing cheap panties and just used them as TP.

Karen had on expensive panties and used a ribbon from a fresh memorial for the purpose.

The next morning Cindy's husband called Karen's husband and said:

"We've got to curtail this girl's night out. Last night Cindy came home drunk with no panties on".

Karen's husband said: "You think that's bad, Karen had a ribbon in her panties that said:

"From all the guys at Engine House 10, we'll never forget you!" "

[andylo]

http://www.chumfm.com/MorningShow/bits/march24.swf

[Jarro]

A man was leaving a cafe with his morning coffee when he noticed a most
unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A long Black Hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind the first. Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a pitbull
on a leash. Behind him was a queue of 200 men walking in single file.
The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man
walking the dog. "I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this with so many of you walking in single file. Whose funeral is it?"
The man replied, "Well, that first hearse is for my wife."
"What happened to her?"
The man replied, "My dog attacked and killed her."
He inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?"
The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her."
A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two men.
"Can I borrow the dog?"
"Join the queue."

[Jarro]

A hip young man goes out and buys the best car on the market, a brand new Ferrari GTO. It is also the most expensive car in the world, and it costs him $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and stops at a red light.
An old man on a Moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to him.
The old man looks over at the sleek, shiny car and asks, "What kind of car ya' got there sonny?"
The young man replies, "A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!"
"That's a lot of money," says the old man. "Why does it cost so much?"
"Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!" states the young dude proudly.
The Moped driver asks, "Mind if I take a look inside?"
No problem," replies the owner. So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around.
Then, sitting back on his Moped, the old man says, "That's a pretty nice car, all right...but I'll stick with my Moped!"
Just then the light changes, so the guy decides to show the old man just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds, the speedometer
reads 160 mph. Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly
WHHHOOOOOOSSSSSHHH! Something whips by him going much faster!
"What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?" the young man asks himself. He floors the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 250 mph.
Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it's the old man on the Moped! Amazed that the Moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas and passes the moped at 275 mph. WHOOOOOOOSHHHHH! He's feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him AGAIN!
Astounded by the speed of this old guy, he floors the gas pedal and
takes the Ferrari all the way up to 320 mph. Not ten seconds later, he sees the
Moped bearing down on him again! The Ferrari is flat out, and there's nothing he can do!
Suddenly, the Moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear end. The young man stops and jumps out and unbelievably the old man is still alive. He runs up to the mangled old man and says, "Oh My God! Is there anything I can do for you?"
The old man whispers... "Unhook...my...suspenders...from...your...side
view....mirror''

[Bruce]

U.S. Blowjobless Rate At All-Time High

WASHINGTON, DC—In the wake of a recent drop in the sexual-interest rate, Labor Secretary Elaine Chao announced Tuesday that blowjoblessness in America has reached a record high.


According to Labor Department statistics, the overall blowjobless rate swelled to 37.4 percent in July, causing widespread deflation of egos.

"Cutbacks in oral services have left 55 million Americans unsatisfied," Chao said. "Although June saw a promising jump in the age 15-19 demographic, with many teenagers finding summer blowjobs, almost 82 percent of married men are completely blowjobless."

The historically fluid blowjob market reached its climax in 1996, when millions of wives and girlfriends vigorously stimulated the privates sector. But while demand has remained extremely high, supply could not, or would not, keep up. As a result, the blowjobless rate has climbed steadily, and today's limp market shows few signs of immediate expansion.

According to Chao, long-term relationships are responsible for the loss of many of this year's blowjobs.

"Over time, traditional blowjob providers prioritize other services, eventually eliminating those blowjobs that they deem unnecessary," Chao said.

"Blowjobs are not as plentiful as some Internet sites would lead you to believe," said blowjob-market analyst Tom Cochran. "Overall, it's an extremely dry market. I myself haven't had a blowjob in years."

"And it's not from a lack of trying," Cochran added.

Some professional men who once had a steady source of outcome have begun looking for freelance blowjobs. Fairfax, VA resident Dave Abbott said if he can't find a blowjob in his field, he'll move to a throbbing market such as Las Vegas.

"I heard they'll offer a part-time blowjob to just about anyone in Vegas," Abbott said.

According to Labor Department statistics, almost half of blowjobless Americans are living below the oral-poverty line, and benefits packages that include sexual intercourse are not enough to sustain them.

"For many of these orally disenfranchised men, a hand-to-mouth existence is but a dream," Cochran said.

Experts predict that as this problem snowballs, it will affect even those who are currently receiving blowjobs. Economic indicators have hinted at a nationwide downsizing, meaning thousands of men will be getting laid in the coming months.

Amid growing concerns, Rep. Collin Peterson (D-MN) has proposed a stimulus package that he said will help create over 300,000 new blowjobs by the end of the year.

Said Peterson: "We can only hope that some compromise between the lip-service industry and the blowjob market can be achieved in House resolution H.R. 69."


Expect similar trends when the Australian figures are released later.

From http://theonion.com

[Onewood]

Every day, a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady
>standing at the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air and tells
>her that her hair smells nice. >After a week of this, she can't stand
>it anymore, takes her complaint to a supervisor in the personnel
>department and states that she wants to write a sexual harassment
>grievance against him. > The Human Resources person is puzzled by this
>decision and asks "What's sexually threatening about a co-worker
>telling you your hair smells nice?"
>?> The woman replies, "It's Keith - the midget." :D

[markTHEblake]

Research on Women's moods

A recent study found that the kind of male face that a woman is attracted to can vary considerably depending upon where she is in her menstrual cycle.

It seems that if a woman is ovulating then she is more attracted to a man with rugged and masculine features.

However, if she is menstruating, she is more inclined to be drawn to a man who is doused in petrol and set on fire, with scissors embedded deep in his temple and a cricket stump shoved up his bum....

[AndyP]

Casino Dealers and a Blonde

Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the craps table. A very
attractive blonde woman arrived and bet $20,000.00 on a single roll of the
dice.

She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm
completely nude." With that she stripped from the neck down, rolled the
dice and yelled "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"

As the dice came to a stop she jumped up and down and squealed, "YES! YES! I WON, I WON!"

She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.

The dealers starred at each other dumbfounded.

Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?"

The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."

THE MORAL OF THE STORY:
Not all blondes are dumb, but all men are men. :x

[AndyP]

The United Way realized that it had never received a donation from the city's most successful lawyer.

So a United Way volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office.

The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, "Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community through the United Way?"

The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, "First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?"

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbles, "Uh...no, I didn't know that."

"Secondly," says the lawyer, "my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children."

The stricken United Way rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off again.

"Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister's husband died in a dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children one of whom is disabled and another has learning disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?"

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, says, "I'm sorry, I had no idea".

And the lawyer says, So...if I didn't give any money to them, what in the hell makes you think I'd ever give any to you?"

[Jarro]

An elderly Irishman lay dying in his bed.

While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs.



He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed.



Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs.



With laboured breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen.



Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favourite chocolate chip cookies.



Was it heaven?



Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted Irish wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?



Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture.



His parched lips parted, the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life.



The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife ……..



"**** off" she said, "they're for the funeral."

[markTHEblake]

Jarro gets made redundant from the airport, so he buys several sheep with his payout, hoping to breed them for wool. After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant, and phones a vet for help. The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination.

Jarro doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and instead will lie down and wallow in grass when they are pregnant.

He hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the sheep himself. So, he loads the sheep into his Land Rover, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back, and goes to bed.

Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he deduces that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the Land Rover again. He drives them out to the woods, bangs each sheep twice for good measure, brings them back, and goes to bed exhausted.

Next morning, he wakes to find the sheep still just standing round. "Try again" he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up, and drive them out to the woods. He spends all day shagging the sheep and upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed.

The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look but of the window. He asks his wife to look, and tell him if the sheep are lying in the grass.

"No," she says, "they're all in the Land Rover, and one of them is beeping the horn."

[Flowergirl]

If men wrote advise columns...

Q. My husband continually asks me to perform oral sex on him.

A. Do it. Semen can help you lose weight and gives a great glow to your skin. Interestingly, men know this. His offer to allow you to perform oral sex on him it totally selfless. This shows how much he loves you. The best thing to do is to thank him by performing it twice a day; then cook him a nice meal.

Q. My husband is uninterested in foreplay.

A. You are a bad person for bringing it up and should seek sensitivity training. Foreplay to men is very stressful and time consuming. Sex should be available to your husband on demand with no pesky requests for foreplay. What this means is that you do not love your man as much as you should. He should never have to work to get you in the mood. Stop being so selfish! Perhaps you can make it up to him by performing oral sex on him and cooking him a nice meal.

Q. My husband has too many nights out with the boys.

A. This is perfectly natural behavior and it should be encouraged. The man is a hunter and he needs to prove his prowess with other men. A night out chasing young single girls is great stress relief and can foster a more peaceful and relaxing home. Remember, nothing can rekindle your relationship better than the man being away for a day or two. It's a great time to clean the house, too! Just look at how emotional and happy he is when he returns to his stable home. The best thing to do when he returns home is for you and your best friend to perform oral sex on him. Then cook him a nice meal.

Q. My husband doesn't know where my clitoris is.

A. Your clitoris is of no concern to your husband. If you must mess with is, do it on your own time and ask your best friend to help. You may wish to videotape yourself while doing this, and present it to your husband as a birthday gift. To ease your selfish guilt, perform oral sex on him and cook him a delicious meal.

Q. My husband always has an orgasm then rolls over and goes to sleep without giving me one.

A. I'm not sure I understand the problem. Perhaps you've forgotten to cook him a nice meal.

[BrisVegas]

Love your work Reenie. :lol: