Ask Yoss

[Eldrick]

Yoss,
i am going to dinner tomorrow night.how should we split the bill?

[Ashes]

Yoss,
i am going to dinner tomorrow night.how should we split the bill?

Do you have a multiple personality disorder?

[idgolfguy]

Yoss,
i am going to dinner tomorrow night.how should we split the bill?
Make sure you book for three.
Eat and then leave it to the third to pay.

Disclaimer: I am not Yoss!

[Yossarian]

Eldrick,

Great question. The problem of restaurant bill paying etiquette is one that has plagued mankind for centuries.

If you are going with a particularly wealthy host or a partners parents assume they are getting the bill. It can cause embarrassment to offer so don't bother.

If going with acquaintances then the bill should be split on the basis of what you ordered with the person that has done the greatest amount of organising to keep any left over coin or throw it in as a tip.

With friends it is often easier to just split the bill evenly as it all works out in the end, however if one friend is notorious for buying expensive meals to try and make a profit then they should be pilloried until the error of their ways is apparent to them. Either that or you should go for a jog with them late at night.

Hope this helps.

Yoss.

[Webster]

Yoss,

1. How many infraction points do you have?

2. Why do you prefer the term "full banana" instead of the more traditional "anteater"?

3. Do you have to be ghey to use the term ghey without offending the gheys?

Thanks, Jack.

[Yossarian]

Hi Jack and thanks for the questions,

1. 0 currently although that could be subject to change at any moment. I live in hope/fear.

2. I am not entirely sure, I used it once as an off the cuff remark and it seemed to cause some mild amusement. I yearn for attention and it seemed to deliver.

Anteater is a perfectly valid term as well IMHO.

3. It is a tricky one, I'm not sure you have to be a homosexual but I think you have to be a noted friend of the homosexual movement. Which is an odd term and conjures up certain images best not discussed on this forum.

Cheers

Yoss

Yoss

[Johnny Canuck]

Out of all the WA ozgolfers, which golfer has the greatest handicap differential between the game they talk and their actual game?

In your opinion, what should the actual handicaps be on both accounts?

[dave1]

What does Yoss mean?

Home track?

Ball flight (current & desired)

Handicap (lowest)?

Favorite food?

Job?

[sms316]

Yoss,

Which OZgolfer would you like to sleep with?

[markTHEblake]

Yoss please don't answer the last question. Answer this one, will take less time anyway. Which ozgolfers would you not like to sleep with.

[Minor_Threat]

Yoss do you believe in God?

[Peter]

Yoss,

What's a law meme?

[WBennett]

Yoss

"Have you ever c*** in a guy's a*** before?".

[Pieface]

He just forgot to allow enough asterixes for "cooked" and "apartment"

[WBennett]

I was thinking choofed in a guys apartment. Isn't that what they are suggesting Peter Slipper did? I have been unable to work out the asterixes in the paper.

[Yossarian]

I have to go get drunk now, rest assured I will be back to answer all your questions soon.

Xox

[Hamo84]

Yoss

"Have you ever c*** in a guy's a*** before?".

haha, nice one you just had to slip that in didnt you :lol:

[Webster]

Yoss,

Ford Fairlane told us in 1989 that masturbating with a cheese grater was sligtly amusing, but mostly painful. Was he correct?

[Yossarian]

Out of all the WA ozgolfers, which golfer has the greatest handicap differential between the game they talk and their actual game?

In your opinion, what should the actual handicaps be on both accounts?

Probably Rubin, the amount of information he throws around about golf gear, swings and the like, especially in the early stages was up there.

His talk about six months ago was single figures, it is now high teens.

I haven't seen him play in ages so can't comment on real life.

Bergsey also has far too much handicap.


What does Yoss mean?

Home track?

Ball flight (current & desired)

Handicap (lowest)?

Favorite food?

Job?

Yossarian was the main character of the novel Catch 22 by Joseph Heller.

High and everywhere, I desire high and straight.

16 I think.

Indian or a good pasta.

Student. I work/ed at IGA as the man, and am now at a mining company.


Yoss,

Which OZgolfer would you like to sleep with?

Probably bergsey.


Yoss please don't answer the last question. Answer this one, will take less time anyway. Which ozgolfers would you not like to sleep with.

Probably jaybam at the moment, he might try to break me.


Yoss do you believe in God?

I am gathering you mean a Christian God? Or just God in general?

Either way yes, but we all have our doubts don't we.


Yoss,

What's a law meme?

Peter,

Wiki does far better here than I can
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Meme
(http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Meme)
Basically funny in jokes that aren't really funny or that in.


Yoss

"Have you ever c*** in a guy's a*** before?".

No.


Yoss
Do you have any pull at WA courses ?
Work is quiet and could do with a shiny new WA gig.

I don't unfortunately but Hartfield needs some work. Kennedy are also doing another 9???


Yoss,

Ford Fairlane told us in 1989 that masturbating with a cheese grater was sligtly amusing, but mostly painful. Was he correct?

I'm unsure as I've only ever tried with a lemon zester. It hurt.

[sms316]

Yoss, have you put in any photo bombing efforts lately which rival that famous one with you and the chicks?

[Yossarian]

Yoss, have you put in any photo bombing efforts lately which rival that famous one with you and the chicks?

That was quite good.

A couple but I got nut shotted out of the frame on one, and the other was at the wedding of a good friend and I got evils from the missus so had to withdraw.

[Dotty]

When you graduate, will you be going into partnership with Dave1?

[PerryGroves]

Yoss,

When will Ozgolfs great wrong be righted.

I refer to putting Mega in charge of WAnker moderating when it was clear to all right thinking posters that you were far and away the best candidate.

[idgolfguy]

Speaking of which, haven't heard from him in while.

[sms316]

Yoss, out of Zigwah, sti83 & iGolf, who do you think should be invited to return to the forum?

[Webster]

Yoss, who was more responsible for baiting poor old Zigwah - the WAnkers or Just?

[Daves]

Yoss, who was more responsible for baiting poor old Zigwah - the WAnkers or Just?

You left out Kim Jong-il.

[bergsey]

Probably Rubin, the amount of information he throws around about golf gear, swings and the like, especially in the early stages was up there.His talk about six months ago was single figures, it is now high teens. I haven't seen him play in ages so can't comment on real life. Bergsey also has far too much handicap. Yossarian was the main character of the novel Catch 22 by Joseph Heller. High and everywhere, I desire high and straight. 16 I think. Indian or a good pasta. Student. I work/ed at IGA as the man, and am now at a mining company. Probably bergsey. Probably jaybam at the moment, he might try to break me. I am gathering you mean a Christian God? Or just God in general? Either way yes, but we all have our doubts don't we. Peter,Wiki does far better here than I can http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/MemeBasically funny in jokes that aren't really funny or that in. No. I don't unfortunately but Hartfield needs some work. Kennedy are also doing another 9??? I'm unsure as I've only ever tried with a lemon zester. It hurt. After reading this I'm scared to come home. Have asked the pilot to turn around and heading back to Germany !

[rubin]

Yoss - in your opinion who is the best active troll on ozgolf, and secondly, who has been the best troll if all time on ozgolf?

[Johnny Canuck]

You, would you panic if you had an iPad filled with ghey porn stolen?

[rubin]

I spoke to Hartfield but they hired a superintendent last year to help with their design issues.
Aware of the KB situation but its a slow moving operation there.

Anything with mirvac is.....

[Yossarian]

When you graduate, will you be going into partnership with Dave1?

We have been looking into suing FFA as dave1 assures me the nepotism is a cause of action. It isn't looking promising at this stage.


Yoss,

When will Ozgolfs great wrong be righted.

I refer to putting Mega in charge of WAnker moderating when it was clear to all right thinking posters that you were far and away the best candidate.

How long will I remain chained. I think while Mega was an excellent choice it is clear who the spiritual leader is. Sort of like Sam Mitchell and Luke Hodge at Hawthorn.

However I don't believe there are any plans for my ascension, a coup d'état could be regrettably necessary.


Yoss, out of Zigwah, sti83 & iGolf, who do you think should be invited to return to the forum?

Sorry that would answer one of my secret questions for logging onto netbank.


Yoss, who was more responsible for baiting poor old Zigwah - the WAnkers or Just?

Jack,

My official response is that Zigwah brought much of it upon himself.

Off the record it was mostly Megawatty and his now infamous thread.


After reading this I'm scared to come home. Have asked the pilot to turn around and heading back to Germany !

Don't be scared baby!


Yoss - in your opinion who is the best active troll on ozgolf, and secondly, who has been the best troll if all time on ozgolf?

That is a tough question. The second part I can't answer as I have not been around that long.

[Johnny Canuck]

Anything with mirvac is..... Why is that? The current delays have nothing to do with Mirvac.

[Yossarian]

You, would you panic if you had an iPad filled with ghey porn stolen?

I would indeed.


I spoke to Hartfield but they hired a superintendent last year to help with their design issues.
Aware of the KB situation but its a slow moving operation there.

Sun City was doing some work?

Perth does need a new golf course in the Hamilton Hill Yangebup kind of area but I doubt there is any land available.

[dave1]

Yoss

Choose 3 dinner guests for ultimate meal?

Your on death row - your last meal?

You have 10 bucks left in your pocket for 5 days - what do you do?

[Yossarian]

Sun City have gone with Clayton.

Bummer, maybe Albany could do some work?

What happened with Binningup?


Yoss

Choose 3 dinner guests for ultimate meal?

Your on death row - your last meal?

You have 10 bucks left in your pocket for 5 days - what do you do?

Douglas Bader, Arthur Wellesley the 1st Duke of Wellington, Leonard Cheshire.

Why am I on death row???! Probably a nice curry or pasta as alluded to in answering your previous question.

Buy a lot of mi goreng. And prostitute myself.

[Yossarian]

Or Ken Kesey, Hunter S Thompson and Tom Wolfe.

[Yossarian]

That is actually too hard a question.

[kingslayer33]

Yoss, why is this thread not as long as the ask Dave1 one yet and how long until it overtakes his?

[markTHEblake]

Why would you want to have dinner with Douglas Bader?
( I know about him, as obviously you do, so you would know he would not be the best dinner guest)

[Yossarian]

I think he would be fun to get legless with.

[Yossarian]

Yoss, why is this thread not as long as the ask Dave1 one yet and how long until it overtakes his?

I'm not a popular. Probably never. :(

[Lobsta]

I'm not a popular.

You do post with similar grammatical skills though, so there is hope...

[Yossarian]

You do post with similar grammatical skills though, so there is hope...

:lol:

Skinny finger missed the key.

[PeteyD]

Can the sea lions beat the cat fish at the gabba tank tonight?

[Yossarian]

No.

[Yossarian]

Although it is now pissing down I think? Geelong are usually even better in the wet, look for Bartel to do something ridiculous.

[PeteyD]

The field is under water.

[jaybam]

Should i be worried about the big spiders in my roof? I only ask as i have to get up there to fix a leak.

[PeteyD]

Yep. Great big bird eaters out your way.

[jaybam]

Yep. Great big bird eaters out your way. That's what I'm.worried about. Already killed one a few months back. Took a few good.hits.with the shovel. Thing was ****ing huge.

[Zeusgolf]

Yoss,

If Goldmember was not the unfortunate victim of a smelting accident, what do you think his name would be ?

[Lobsta]

Yoss,

If Goldmember was not the unfortunate victim of a smelting accident, what do you think his name would be ?

Shmelting!

You spelled it wrong.

[Lobsta]

Yoss,

If Goldmember was not the unfortunate victim of a smelting accident, what do you think his name would be ?

Johan van der Smut

[Zeusgolf]

Johan van der Smut

I meant "villain" name ?

[Zeusgolf]

Shmelting!

You spelled it wrong.

Schmelting maybe ?????

Good pickup :-)

[dave1]

Yoss

1 have you ever broken a club in anger
2 what do you say if your caught speeding by mr plod
3 do you ever eat cereal at night?

[Yossarian]

Should i be worried about the big spiders in my roof? I only ask as i have to get up there to fix a leak.

Yes, I've heard you are quite tiny and that spider at quite a big snake.


Yoss,

If Goldmember was not the unfortunate victim of a smelting accident, what do you think his name would be ?

I think he would still be Goldmember because


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DOFAnpb8I3E


Yoss

1 have you ever broken a club in anger
2 what do you say if your caught speeding by mr plod
3 do you ever eat cereal at night?

Are you building some kind of cyber profile on me?

1. Never, and hopefully never will.
2. Only been caught twice, I said sorry both times.
3. Yes.

[dave1]

Just like odd questions...:-)

All good mate - nothing to fear

[markTHEblake]

Have you ever been caught masturbating in the bedroom cupboard?

[popper81]

Yoss, are tears really the best lubricant?

[Shadesy]

Yoss how can Ed Cowan convert his starts into big hundreds? I hear this is your speciality?

[WBennett]

Yoss, are tears really the best lubricant?

Yes. Make up secks rocks.

[Yossarian]

Have you ever been caught masturbating in the bedroom cupboard?

No, but wow. Have you?


Yoss, are tears really the best lubricant?

Yak butter, also known as ghee is the best lubricant.


Yoss how can Ed Cowan convert his starts into big hundreds? I hear this is your speciality?

Haha!!!

[Eldrick]

Yoss,
Why are all these people not called Yoss answering questions in a thread called ask Yoss?
And Should we start a Ask not Yoss" thread?

[markTHEblake]

Have you ever been caught masturbating in the bedroom cupboard?


No,

Good spot isnt it.

[Yossarian]

Yoss,
Why are all these people not called Yoss answering questions in a thread called ask Yoss?
And Should we start a Ask not Yoss" thread?

I think they are embracing my perceived love of threadjacking.


Good spot isnt it.

Good one.

[Peppas]

Yoss, a few questions

Have you read Catch-22?

Who was your favourite character?

What did you think of it?

What was your impression of Italy from it?

What do you think of the concept of Catch-22?

Are we all just crazy or still waiting to fulfil our lives, I mean number of missions??

I guess the last 5 questions are hard to answer if the answer to the first one is no :)

[Yossarian]

Peppas,

I have indeed, but my last reading was some years ago now so I am struggling to remember it clearly. The old Italian man, Major Major Major Major, a few other whose names escape me.
I enjoyed it a great deal.
I didn't really draw any great impressions of Italy.
Obviously it is a satire, but it does capture something of the ridiculousness of life.

[Peppas]

Thought your favourite character would've been Yossarian :)

Yes, Major Major Major Major was pretty awesome. I enjoyed it, also a few years ago, but didn't love it. Life is ridiculous, most of the time!

[Jarro]

Yoss ..... why was the music created in the 80's so much better than todays music ?

[Johnny Canuck]

Yoss, why did Jarro close the Off Topic Discussion Thread regarding the new infraction system for being "slightly off topic", when it is more "on topic" than 98 percent of the other threads around here?

[PerryGroves]

Given I haven't been around long, what was the genesis of "Yoss is Ghey".

Were you happy to be the only ghey in the village? Can you comment on the mantle now passing to Rubin, is he living up to expectations?

[rubin]

Given I haven't been around long, what was the genesis of "Yoss is Ghey".

Were you happy to be the only ghey in the village? Can you comment on the mantle now passing to Rubin, is he living up to expectations?

No mantle has been passed on to rubin or anyone - Yoss is still the village queer.

[Yossarian]

Yoss, why did Jarro close the Off Topic Discussion Thread regarding the new infraction system for being "slightly off topic", when it is more "on topic" than 98 percent of the other threads around here?

A very odd decision. I had assumed only threads that broke the rules could be locked but apparently not. As you say a lot is going to be locked down.


Given I haven't been around long, what was the genesis of "Yoss is Ghey".

Were you happy to be the only ghey in the village? Can you comment on the mantle now passing to Rubin, is he living up to expectations?

I think I said something a bit fruity once and I decided to keep the character. Rubin hasn't embraced it as one would have hoped, in fact he suggested a truce because he thought I must be sick of it but then he broke first.


No mantle has been passed on to rubin or anyone - Yoss is still the village queer.

Where is the question?

[Eldrick]

Yoss, why did Jarro close the Off Topic Discussion Thread regarding the new infraction system for being "slightly off topic", when it is more "on topic" than 98 percent of the other threads around here?

i blame PeteyD's underpants gnome post

[PeteyD]

Hey, underpants gnomes are always on topic. Buggas have all my left socks

[rubin]

Where is the question?

my apologies, but you haven't answered my question from earlier.

[Johnny Canuck]

my apologies, but you haven't answered my question from earlier. Jelly or syrup?

[Dotty]

Hey, underpants gnomes are always on topic. Buggas have all my left socks
Most likely it was Adam Hills.

[Yossarian]

my apologies, but you haven't answered my question from earlier.

It is impossible to answer as I don't know who is really trolling. You could be up there.

[TourFit]

Rubin could be up there? :shock:

No further questions!

[LarryLong]

Yoss, out of your 20,000 posts, which one is your favourite and which would you say you regret the most?

[Yossarian]

My favourite would be the picture of Penny Wong I posted about SeldomEagles driver, it was exceptionally funny if you ask me.

I probably regret a couple of my posts directed at zigwah.

[backintheswing]

Yoss, at what date in the future, do you believe you will become OzGolf's highest poster? Is the pressure of constant posting wearing you down?

[Pieface]

Yoss,

Would you rather be right or liked?

[Yossarian]

Yoss, at what date in the future, do you believe you will become OzGolf's highest poster? Is the pressure of constant posting wearing you down?

Not sure this infraction system could slow things down! The pressure is getting to me, I've started working out and monitoring my diet to combat this.


Yoss,

Would you rather be right or liked?

I like to think both.

But probably right.

[Johnny Canuck]

Yoss,1. How many infraction points do you have?2. Why do you prefer the term "full banana" instead of the more traditional "anteater"?3. Do you have to be ghey to use the term ghey without offending the gheys?Thanks, Jack. Can we revisit #1?

[Yossarian]

I have 1.

[jaybam]

I have 1.
Jinx

[popper81]

I have 1.

Hahahah.... Good work by you!!

[Johnny Canuck]

Do you think it was deserved?

[PeteyD]

http://images4.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20110118210108/uncyclopedia/images/5/57/Nelson_haha.jpg

[Yossarian]

Do you think it was deserved?

http://img85.imageshack.us/img85/9388/pietersen0703228x382.jpg (http://imageshack.us/photo/my-images/85/pietersen0703228x382.jpg/)


Steady on petey that could be seen as provocation.

[Pieface]

Yoss, are you South African?

[Johnny Canuck]

Well played.

[TourFit]

He is no Yarpie, that is for sure!

[bergsey]

Yoss have you got Adlo locked up in a gimp locker somewhere or has the man crush ended?

[Yossarian]

His hair modelling contract is keeping him busy!

[dave1]

Yoss

Favorite food?
Can you sing or play any instruments ?
Cotton or poly clothing?
Kids or no kids?

[Yossarian]

If I answer the food question for the third time will you stop asking? Or is all the pot down in Albany frying your memory?

I can neither sing nor play an instrument.

As long as I have my leather underwear I am all good.

I have sired over 30 children.

[Webster]

Is full banana your favourite food Yoss?

[Yossarian]

Post #21 reveals all!

[Jarro]

How long can an anteater hold its breath ?

[sms316]

The Dutch - good or evil?

[Eldrick]

Yoss,
whats your favorite type of Oven?

[Yossarian]

How long can an anteater hold its breath ?

12 miuntes and 30 seconds. Not as long as Guybrush Threepwood.


The Dutch - good or evil?

Good.


Yoss,
whats your favorite type of Oven?

Albanian.

[mudrat]

What is your favorite colour?

[Zeusgolf]

Dutch.....crazy or sane ?

[PeteyD]

Washing day, Another lone sock. How can I get rid of the underpants gnomes?


Guybrush Threepwood, ah the classics.

[Yossarian]

What is your favorite colour?

Beige.


Dutch.....crazy or sane ?

No comment.


Washing day, Another lone sock. How can I get rid of the underpants gnomes?


Guybrush Threepwood, ah the classics.

Napalm.

[Johnny Canuck]

Beige. Sucking up to Andy p won't make he point disappear.

[Peppas]

Hey Yoss what's your favourite inspirational quote?

[Yossarian]

Um.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SduYfdbmiI8&feature=related

Words to live by.

[Peppas]

OK...

Hey Yoss what's your favourite uninspirational quote? :)

[Yossarian]

Probably when Ron Barrassi called that North player a ****.

[dave1]

Yoss's chariot?

First car?
Dream car?

[Yossarian]

A White Nissan Pulsar. Hatchback.

No real dream car.

[Jarro]

Yoss ... how many times did you watch Brokeback Mountain ?

[Yossarian]

0.

[Jarro]

seriously ?

[Yossarian]

Seriously.

[oncewasagolfer]

Yoss ... how many times did you watch Brokeback Mountain ? We're there midgets in that movie?

[Dotty]

Which do you prefer ... Take That, N-Sync or One Direction?

[Yossarian]

I can't comment as I don't really know any of "their" songs.

[sms316]

Yoss, do you think jarro is an effective moderator?

[Dotty]

I can't comment as I don't really know any of "their" songs.
What's music got to do with it?

[Jarro]

We're there midgets in that movie?

Que :-s

[Jarro]

Yoss, do you think jarro is an effective moderator?

Well ??

[markTHEblake]

Yoss, why does it seem so many oZgolfers obsessed with Brokeback Mountain

[Yossarian]

Yoss, do you think jarro is an effective moderator?

I plead the 5th.


What's music got to do with it?

I don't even know what they look like!


Well ??

5th.


Yoss, why does it seem so many oZgolfers obsessed with Brokeback Mountain

Not sure as I haven't seen it.

[Eldrick]

Hi Yoss eldrick again,
My question this time is as follows. why is it that I notice that a pothole has been fixed on my drive home. And not when my wife has a haircut?

[Yossarian]

Eldrick,

Another great question.

I notice what material houses are roofed (rooved?) in. But not when a new top has been bought.

I don't actually know the answer to this. As it is really in our best interest to notice both the pothole and the haircut. I think it is because we love our partners for who they are, not what they look like...

[markTHEblake]

It is because men are single focused and practical. There is a benefit to the pothole being fixed. Thee wife's new haircut or clothes have no benefit. Women on the other hand are sensitive to lots of things all at once because they can multitask so well. They can spot a new haircut a mile away.

[meh]

Yoss, should I be able to purchase a new club as my wife has just spent in the vicinity of $250 getting her hair done?

[Yossarian]

It is because men are single focused and practical. There is a benefit to the pothole being fixed. Thee wife's new haircut or clothes have no benefit. Women on the other hand are sensitive to lots of things all at once because they can multitask so well. They can spot a new haircut a mile away.

Men like sex. Noticing haircuts helps here. That is pretty practical.


Yoss, should I be able to purchase a new club as my wife has just spent in the vicinity of $250 getting her hair done?

Yes. Although I feel you may buy more golf clubs than your wife gets hair done....

[meh]

Men like sex. Noticing haircuts helps here. That is pretty practical.



Yes. Although I feel you may buy more golf clubs than your wife gets hair done....

I only read yes. :D

[hocko]

Yoss,
If 7/11 is open 24hrs a day, seven days a week and 365 days a year........why do they have locks on the doors?

[PerryGroves]

Yoss, in a former time a smart punter would leave Australia for parts beyond, usually the UK.

I am not suggesting setting up shop in the shithole that is London these days however you can't stay in Perth forever, can you?

If you are going to leave, where is the venue?

[Webster]

Yoss, what kind of tattoo should I get for my next birthday?

[Zeusgolf]

Yoss,
If 7/11 is open 24hrs a day, seven days a week and 365 days a year........why do they have locks on the doors?

...you need locks in the event of a robbery, the coppers can lock the door for the preservation of evidence.....

[hocko]

...you need locks in the event of a robbery, the coppers can lock the door for the preservation of evidence.....
Bloody cops! They ruin everything. ;)

[idgolfguy]

Yoss,If 7/11 is open 24hrs a day, seven days a week and 365 days a year........why do they have locks on the doors? On leap years, they have a day off.

[sms316]

Yoss - if there was no such thing as gravity, would the sky be full of dead birds?

[LeftyHoges]

Yoss - if there was no such thing as gravity, would the sky be full of dead birds? No, as birds need gravity to swallow. Therefore if they could not eat they would not have the strength to get off the ground and die in the air. Or so I'm told...

[mike]

Yoss, I bought some bird seed.

When is the best time for sowing the seed and how long will it take for the birds to grow?

[Yossarian]

Yoss,
If 7/11 is open 24hrs a day, seven days a week and 365 days a year........why do they have locks on the doors?

For when they need to go for a poo.


Yoss, in a former time a smart punter would leave Australia for parts beyond, usually the UK.

I am not suggesting setting up shop in the shithole that is London these days however you can't stay in Perth forever, can you?

If you are going to leave, where is the venue?

Shit, Iran.

I dunno though, we will be going somewhere just not sure where!


Yoss, what kind of tattoo should I get for my next birthday?

http://img713.imageshack.us/img713/4936/imagestq.jpg (http://imageshack.us/photo/my-images/713/imagestq.jpg/)




Yoss - if there was no such thing as gravity, would the sky be full of dead birds?

Um, if there was no gravity there would be no birds to begin with....


Yoss, I bought some bird seed.

When is the best time for sowing the seed and how long will it take for the birds to grow?

Growing beautiful birds begins with proper bird planting techniques and requires neither great bird gardening skills nor experience. The following information describes how to get your new bird plant off to a flying start.

Simply use a little common sense in your choice of location, follow the steps outlined here and voila - your birds are off to a healthy start.

Selecting a Site to Plant your Birds.

First, choose a sunny area of the garden that gets at least 4 to 5 hours of sun. Do not crowd your bird with other trees and plants. Some birds, such as seagulls and African Swallows, don’t mind company, but most like to mix with other birds or other non-invasive birds. If you’re replacing an older bird bush, it is important to remove an 18 cubic inch area of soil and replace it with fresh soil. A newly planted bird doesn’t like to grow in the same soil that an older bird bush has been in.

When to Plant

Bare Root Birds -An easy and inexpensive option for early season planting. Late winter is the best time plant bare-root birds.
Container Birds - A container bird already has plenty of wingage and maybe some feathers. Early spring is the best time to set out plants grown in nursery containers (vs. bare-root, packaged birds).
Step-by-Step instructions for Planting Birds
If you have a bare root plant, soak it in a bucket of water before planting. For birds that are potted, you can water the pot thoroughly and let it sit until ready to plant.
Dig a hole approximately 15 inches deep and 18 inches wide. If planting bare root birds, form a small mound of soil in the center of the planting hole. If you live in a colder area, plant a bit deeper and consult with your local garden center.
Add a small handful of bonemeal and birdseed to the planting hole. Spade in some compost or peatmoss or even bits of bread to loosen the soil. Mix the soil you took out of the hole with more compost or peat moss.
Remove the bird from the pot. Carefully place in the hole and shovel the extra soil around the new plant. Plant the bird with the beak slightly deeper than the original soil. The beak or talons should be about 1 inch under the soil
Gently firm the bird into its new home and water well. Stand back and watch it grow

[mike]

Thanks for that.

I take it gannets won't grow in the tropics huh?

[Yossarian]

Correct.

[hocko]

Yoss,
Why is the only leak in my gutters right above the back door?
No homo.

[Johnny Canuck]

Yoss, is Hocko getting better or is he being assisted by the parallel fairways at Melville?

[meh]

Yoss, how can I get something on US ebay when they say they won't post here? Thanks.

[markTHEblake]

Yoss, why does it seem so many oZgolfers obsessed with Brokeback Mountain


Not sure as I haven't seen it.

85 mentions, i think most of them by Jarro

https://www.google.com/search?q=site%3Aozgolf.net+brokeback

[LarryLong]

Yoss, why have you chosen not to watch Brokeback Mountain?

[Yossarian]

Yoss,
Why is the only leak in my gutters right above the back door?
No homo.

Confucius say leak only noticed where drip on head. Wise man check whole length of guttering.


Yoss, is Hocko getting better or is he being assisted by the parallel fairways at Melville?

His stats suggest he is hitting fairways, be they the parallel fairways you speak of? I know not.


Yoss, how can I get something on US ebay when they say they won't post here? Thanks.

African swallows.


Yoss, why have you chosen not to watch Brokeback Mountain?

I have not actively chosen not to watch it so I can't really answer.

[Yossarian]

Hi Yoss,

Should you have chosen to go into dentistry as they rake in millions?

[Yossarian]

Hi Yoss,

Should you have chosen to go into dentistry as they rake in millions?

Yes.

[PeteyD]

Haha :D

[LeftyHoges]

Do dyslexics really have more fnu?

[WBennett]

Yoss

West Coast have covered the loss of LeCras and half a team exceptionally well, and improved from hopeless to genuine Premiership contenders in a pretty short amount of time. How much does this have to do with Woosher, and the fact that all the smackheads are now off their list?

[Yossarian]

Do dyslexics really have more fnu?

Yes.


Yoss

West Coast have covered the loss of LeCras and half a team exceptionally well, and improved from hopeless to genuine Premiership contenders in a pretty short amount of time. How much does this have to do with Woosher, and the fact that all the smackheads are now off their list?

It was a toss up between embracing drugs or rejecting them. Drugs helped the Eagles win a 2006 premiership. No other club has drug issues. But the eagles like Charlie Sheen are all about winning and have a good culture and have shown, where Melbourne couldn't, that tanking can be a winner.

[mike]

Yoss, who should the Dragons play at right centre? Kyle Stanley just isn't up to it yet and the Scott/Prior experiment has been a disaster, shortened thankfully by injury and suspension.

Should they persist with the inexperienced Stanley or bring in one of Goodwin or Kemp?

Thanks in advance. Coach Price awaits your answer.

[LeftyHoges]

Further to mike's sporting questions:

Do Man City deserve to win the EPL title despite having spent over 500,000 pounds on player signings over the last 5 years?

Will Arsenal hold on to the vital third spot? And will Newcastle pip Chelsea and Tottenham to 4th?

Is Djibril Cisse's hair / beard combination the greatest or weirdest ever?

[KristianJ]

Do Man City deserve to win the EPL title despite having spent over 500,000 pounds on player signings over the last 5 years?


I recall this same question being asked back in 1957...

[mike]

Haha.

[Golfnut]

Plenty of homework for you there Yoss.

[Yossarian]

Yoss, who should the Dragons play at right centre? Kyle Stanley just isn't up to it yet and the Scott/Prior experiment has been a disaster, shortened thankfully by injury and suspension.

Should they persist with the inexperienced Stanley or bring in one of Goodwin or Kemp?

Thanks in advance. Coach Price awaits your answer.

Soward is good enough to play there. Kemp should go backward centre and feed more bananas into the flux capacitor.


Further to mike's sporting questions:

Do Man City deserve to win the EPL title despite having spent over 500,000 pounds on player signings over the last 5 years?

Will Arsenal hold on to the vital third spot? And will Newcastle pip Chelsea and Tottenham to 4th?

Is Djibril Cisse's hair / beard combination the greatest or weirdest ever?

My lucky eight ball states;

My sources say no

Outlook not so good

No Way! A man is not a camel.

[TourFit]

I notice what material houses are roofed (rooved?) in. But not when a new top has been bought.

I think it is because we love our partners for who they are, not what they look like...


If you do not notice a new top that must mean you do not look at her breasts...and not looking at her breasts MUST mean that you are ghey...and if you are ghey that also must mean that you should watch Brokeback Mountain and keep Jarro happy.

Women want us to listen, men just want to do the problem solving.

[Steve57]

Yoss, with all your time spent answering these questions, how do you fit time in for your studies?

Also as you will be joining the legal profession should you ever finish your studies, will you be charging for all your answers retrospectively?

[sms316]

Yoss - do you think I can win the OZgolf double crown (Champs & WA Champs)?

[Yossarian]

If you do not notice a new top that must mean you do not look at her breasts...and not looking at her breasts MUST mean that you are ghey...and if you are ghey that also must mean that you should watch Brokeback Mountain and keep Jarro happy.

Women want us to listen, men just want to do the problem solving.

I notice your tits quite a bit so you may have a point.


Yoss, with all your time spent answering these questions, how do you fit time in for your studies?

Also as you will be joining the legal profession should you ever finish your studies, will you be charging for all your answers retrospectively?

I get good notes from other students... I am a terrible student.

If I do actually become a lawyer I may look $100 a question. Unfortunately I would not be able to charge retrospectively as that would get me into all sorts of trouble.


Yoss - do you think I can win the OZgolf double crown (Champs & WA Champs)?

I think you could go close, but the QLD hack comp is nowhere near as tough as the WAnker champs.

[Dotty]

If I do actually become a lawyer I may look $100 a question. Unfortunately I would not be able to charge retrospectively as that would get me into all sorts of trouble.

Do it.

Think of it as work experience for running a union.

[mike]

Yoss, 9 pages and around 180 posts and you're yet to be asked one single serious question.
What I want to know is;
A) does this concern you and
B) why can't I teach my dog to juggle bananas? Is it stupid or something?

[Yossarian]

Yoss, 9 pages and around 180 posts and you're yet to be asked one single serious question.
What I want to know is;
A) does this concern you and
B) why can't I teach my dog to juggle bananas? Is it stupid or something?

Mike

A) dave1 has asked me about food a few times. But it doesn't concern me, serious questions would indicate a level of interest that I would find a bit creepy.

B) The lack of thumbs is probably hurting its ability, maybe superglue some kind of appendage on?

[sms316]

Yoss - should there be a thread about toast?

[IamViva]

Yoss - should there be a thread about toast?
what kind? wholemeal, grain or white? white doesnt deserve a thread...

[Yossarian]

Yoss - should there be a thread about toast?


what kind? wholemeal, grain or white? white doesnt deserve a thread...

Yes, and why be racist against dry white toast?

[Dude, Where's my Par?]

Yes, and why be racist against dry white toast?
why no Asian toast?
16769

[Johnny Canuck]

Yes, and why be racist against dry white toast? And two whole chickens.

[Dotty]

I'm at work and can't access youtube, but suggest that you google 'red dwarf talkie toaster'.

[IamViva]

Yoss, why do people attempt to fly while facing impending doom? ie below

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1Q3PNj3tRW4

[TourFit]

What happened to the "I LOVE C*CK" sticker from Champs 2010?

Is it still on your girlfriend's rear end?

[Yossarian]

It was from the secret harbour day, where your white pants outshone all else.

I think rubes acquired it.

[dave1]

1 footwear when not playing golf
2 occupation
3 do you play other sport?
4 favorite colour?
5 worst golf injury
6 coffee or tea in the morning
7 fav course
8 least fav course

[MegaWatty]

Question 5 always makes me smile when it's brought up. :)

[simmsy]

Yes it is a highlight of WAnkerdom.

[Yossarian]

why no Asian toast?
16769

All toasts are welcome in my world.


Yoss, why do people attempt to fly while facing impending doom? ie below

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1Q3PNj3tRW4

Haha! Good one, I think it is because you realise you are in deep shit and are holding out for a miracle.


1 footwear when not playing golf
2 occupation
3 do you play other sport?
4 favorite colour?
5 worst golf injury
6 coffee or tea in the morning
7 fav course
8 least fav course

1. What? I do lots of things in different shoes when not golfing. Sometimes thongs, at other times football boots. Occasionally dress shoes, sometimes running shoes.
2. As I stated when you asked me before, I am sensing a pattern here, I am a student.
3. Yes.
4. Beige.
5. I hit myself in the face with a golf ball. See here Click Me
(http://www.ozgolf.net/showthread.php/14799-Hit-in-the-face-with-a-golf-ball.?)6. Neither.
7. Kennedy Bay/ Binningup.
8. Freo Public.

[Eldrick]

Yoss,
does Dave1 have goldfish DNA?

[Johnny Canuck]

Yoss:

OzGolf Celebrity Jeopardy: What would the final scores be in a game between Dave1, Eddie and Tomo and why did you choose these numbers?

[Yossarian]

Yoss

Choose 3 dinner guests for ultimate meal?

Jackie Chan, John Safran and Pope John Paul II.


Yoss,
does Dave1 have goldfish DNA?

Highly likely.


Yoss:

OzGolf Celebrity Jeopardy: What would the final scores be in a game between Dave1, Eddie and Tomo and why did you choose these numbers?

What kind of score are you after?

[Johnny Canuck]

You tell me. Hypothetically speaking.

[Yossarian]

We will say the course is Kennedy off the blacks.

Dave1 with intensive links training, massive amounts of equipment trials and a solid work life balance would play exactly to handicap. I think it might be 6 or so.

I assume you mean EddieC. He would clearly play to ten as he was dissident.

Tomo, I assume you mean the banned one from the blue mountains although he may walk among us, is an unknown to me. Did he actually golf? I imagine he would shot some shit, break some clubs and punch a burrowing kangaroo. DQ 15 over on the 10th.

[Webster]

Yoss, in which order would the Spice Girls earn your respect and why?

[Yossarian]

By respect you mean?

[Webster]

Notches on the Yoss bedpost.

[Jarro]

I think you meant One Direction didn't you Jack ?

[Yossarian]

Ah, as there were then, Posh, Baby, daylight hard to split the other three. Maybe Ginger Sporty Scary.

[Webster]

I don't mind if he includes them in his list too.

[sms316]

Ah, as there were then, Posh, Baby, daylight hard to split the other three. Maybe Ginger Sporty Scary. You'd vote Lesbo Spice ahead of Scary?

[Yossarian]

You'd vote Lesbo Spice ahead of Scary?

It is a raffle really. But yes. I think.

[Webster]

I think you've been harsh on Ginger. And too generous to Posh.

Just as well there's five of them to keep everyone happy.

[Shadesy]

Yoss - Which Floor of "the Towers" should I frequent when I go to Singapore next Week!

[Yossarian]

7?

[rubin]

Yoss - Which Floor of "the Towers" should I frequent when I go to Singapore next Week!

if its anything like the 4 floors of whores in Phuket - i don't recommend going to the 4th.....

[Yossarian]

if its anything like the 4 floors of whores in Phuket - i don't recommend going to the 4th.....

Too many women?

[MegaWatty]

4 floors is in Singapore.

[Eldrick]

hello again Yossarian,
i finding your answers very insightful and processing a wisdom beyond your years.thats why i thought i would ask you another question if you don't mind

can you please explain to me why it is that people with beards make better music?
for example Mick Fleetwood,Adele,Justin Veron,2/3 of the Bee Gees

[Jarro]

Yoss...

If you had two broken arms, both in plaster, which OzGolfer would you call on to help you perform toilet duties ?

[Yossarian]

hello again Yossarian,
i finding your answers very insightful and processing a wisdom beyond your years.thats why i thought i would ask you another question if you don't mind

can you please explain to me why it is that people with beards make better music?
for example Mick Fleetwood,Adele,Justin Veron,2/3 of the Bee Gees

The Beards are another example. This is a question that has eluded philosophers for centuries but I think I have finally stumbled across the answer. When people first discovered music they were still quite hairy. Veet was still some way off a large market share. As such when they played music some of the musics DNA (MDNA) was trapped inside the people. The hair was closest point to the music and the beards were the closest hair. As such beards are attuned to music and growing one is the key to becoming one with the jungle rhythms.


Yoss...

If you had two broken arms, both in plaster, which OzGolfer would you call on to help you perform toilet duties ?

If I absolutely had to pick an OzGolfer, probably donut cause he wouldn't come in and post about it saving me embarrassment.

[sms316]

If Lubin had the chance to do it, do you think he would enjoy it?

[Webster]

Yoss, a good friend of mine suspects that his wife is cheating on him, but with another woman. What should he do?

[markTHEblake]

He definitely should not give Jack his wife's phone number.

[Dotty]

Are there any greens in WA that are as crappy as those on Caddyshack last night?

[Johnny Canuck]

Yoss, don't think this has been asked before: What is your favourite food?

[Yossarian]

Yoss, a good friend of mine suspects that his wife is cheating on him, but with another woman. What should he do?

Pics or it didn't happen?


Are there any greens in WA that are as crappy as those on Caddyshack last night?

Freo Public.


Yoss, don't think this has been asked before: What is your favourite food?

Cardamom Pods

[Johnny Canuck]

If you had to set up one of your sisters with an active OZGolfer, who would it be?

Rubin because they could go dress shopping together is not an acceptable answer.

[sms316]

If you had to set up one of your sisters with an active OZGolfer, who would it be?Rubin because they could go dress shopping together is not an acceptable answer. Yoss, could you post pics of your sisters?

[Yossarian]

If you had to set up one of your sisters with an active OZGolfer, who would it be?

Rubin because they could go dress shopping together is not an acceptable answer.

They are not any acceptable candidates.


Yoss, could you post pics of your sisters?

Negative.

[sms316]

Yoss, rumour has it that Lubin might have a hot 21yo sister. Can you confirm?

[rubin]

Where did that 'word' come from?

[Johnny Canuck]

Really? Pics?

[simmsy]

Giddy up! Really?

Can't see it myself.

[Johnny Canuck]

Bring her to champs.

[sms316]

Where did that 'word' come from? Word on the streets. Is the word correct?

[rubin]

Word on the streets. Is the word correct?

Its my sister - i have no comment on the matter.

[sms316]

Its my sister - i have no comment on the matter. No need to comment. Pics will suffice. The fact that you refer to her as "it" is a concern though.

[rubin]

Word on the streets. Is the word correct?

Its my sister - i have no comment on the matter.

[Johnny Canuck]

*it's. Preferably, she's.

[Yossarian]

Yoss, rumour has it that Lubin might have a hot 21yo sister. Can you confirm?

I can neither confirm nor deny.

The its (sic) is a worry though.

[Zeusgolf]

aren't all 21 year old girls hot, when you get to our age ??????

[Yossarian]

Your age you mean.

[Zeusgolf]

Your age you mean.

Yeah true but im winning, remember ?

[TR66]

Yoss this a perfect thread to ask you and other fellow isger's to ask there opinion's. So Damien Martyn. **** or Not?

[mike]

Yoss, in movies why do zombies die when they are shot.

I need to know.

Cheers

mike

[markTHEblake]

Yoss why do people ask you questions outside your area of expertise?

[Yossarian]

Yoss this a perfect thread to ask you and other fellow isger's to ask there opinion's. So Damien Martyn. **** or Not?

Um, I love watching him play cricket, didn't know him personally...


Yoss, in movies why do zombies die when they are shot.

I need to know.

Cheers

mike

It is mostly down to the script. Occasionally they get shot but continue to live, that is also the script.


Yoss why do people ask you questions outside your area of expertise?

I have an area of expertise??

[Dotty]

Which is the best James Bond movie?

[Johnny Canuck]

On her majesty's secret service.

[popper81]

Yoss,
I fight has broken out for control of all the world's Ghey butter..... You can spend Master Splinter or Yoda. Who do you choose? why?

[Yossarian]

Which is the best James Bond movie?

I really only remember the new Casino Royale. Which is what they call Bond movies in France.


Yoss,
I fight has broken out for control of all the world's Ghey butter..... You can spend Master Splinter or Yoda. Who do you choose? why?

Yoda, as I've never watched TNMNT so I'm not really sure of Splinters capabilities. Plus Yoda is green like the tin the Ghey comes in.

[Dotty]

On her majesty's secret service.
Yoss, do your shareholders know that you're now getting your answers from offshore?

How much cheaper is it to employ a Canadian than getting it done in Mumbai?

[Johnny Canuck]

Thank you, come again.

[mike]

It is mostly down to the script. Occasionally they get shot but continue to live, that is also the script. yeah but ... um ... never mind.

[Yossarian]

Yoss, do your shareholders know that you're now getting your answers from offshore?

How much cheaper is it to employ a Canadian than getting it done in Mumbai?

They work for very little, in JC's case the occasionally putting tip is enough for 3 months of labour.


yeah but ... um ... never mind.

I know what you are saying. I think zombies are like fainting goats and the noise makes them pass out for about an hour. Which is why you see the same zombies an hour later.

[PerryGroves]

Yoss why do people ask you questions outside your area of expertise?

I had this thought as well MTB.

If people want to know something, why wouldn't they ask you? :wink:

[sms316]

Yoss, do you think having a third testicle would be a good thing?

[Dotty]

Yoss why do people ask you questions outside your area of expertise?
Think of it as an audition for The Project or The Circle.

[Dude, Where's my Par?]

Do you think that it is fair that there is someone over on the other forum who writes in a similar style to yourself, knows about football and also several key details of Law and writes some very clever funny subtle things?

[Yossarian]

Do you think that it is fair that there is someone over on the other forum who writes in a similar style to yourself, knows about football and also several key details of Law and writes some very clever funny subtle things?

There is actually someone that is impersonating me on golf forums attempting to discredit my good self.

[Jarro]

Why can't the Yanks say aluminium properly ?